Life as is, life as was

So, I watched Across the Universe a couple days ago. Can someone say "fierce"? That movie was INCREDIBLE. It inspired me (well, my sister) to smash some strawberries today. What great fun. Aside from that, that is what I want my freakin life to be about, you know? Fighting for what you believe in... actually doing shit. I'm just sitting waiting for my life to end. It's kind of sad.

Also, I spent the entire day watching Living with the Mek on the Travel Channel. Nothing like some hot British men and indigenous nudity to brighten up my day. But it really made me think. (Like everything makes me think.) There is no way I could survive without the internet, or my mp3 player, the mall, walmart... ha. And here these people are, in the bloody 21st century, living cut off from civilization, hunting and gathering their own food, walking around with no clothes on!

Was it for the better or worse that we all gave up nature to become industrialized? Sure, having modern technologies makes life easier. (I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to give birth without heavy drugs.) But, accompanied with such advancements comes isolation and ways far worse than these tribes encounter. We email and text people these days- we don't talk. We waste what we are given: food, electricity- our resources. And, we all know, most of us are lazy as hell.

For me, it'd be a great experience to work, live, sleep and depend on other people. To actually earn my keep- to have nothing like a computer or cell phone to distract me... I can only imagine how much calmer and wise I'd most likely become.

But, we all know I wouldn't last one minute. It's quite sad.

Where's My Love?

You know what? I'm jealous. Jealous of this:



I've never had a first love. And you know, as much as I'm anti-boy and anti-love and emotion, I just want to be loved. It doesn't have to be in love- God forbid. That could completely disasterous. But sometimes I do imagine what it would be like to totally put my guard down and allow myself to fall for someone. I'm not sure I could do it.

Thinking back, and I'm always in denial about this, but when I was a freshman in high school I had this huge crush on this one kid.... He was a junior. And you know, I wasn't boy-crazy, I NEVER had crushes but I liked this kid a lot. He was hilarious, and sweet, and naive, and tall! Ha. He was so tall, and he had this big nose... my friend used to call him Gonzo. But he had this charm to him. I'd say we were best friends. We were always telling each other about cute people we liked when, I know we both liked each other. Or maybe I'm wrong...

Anyways, I moved across the country. I wanted him to come visit me for my birthday but of course my parents said no. They thought I was gonna start making some babies. They obviously didn't know what a-sexual meant (no, I wouldn't even sleep with my love). I remember we had this one conversation online, it had to be like 3AM and we were chatting away. We decided that we were going to live together and go to England. Went I went to CT we talked on the phone for a while. Actually, it was kind of akward. My cousin told him I liked him and I, naturally, denied it. I visited him at work. More awkward: nothing to say.

Now, he has a girlfriend. But, even if he didn't... I don't think I'd try to make anything happen. It'd be weird. All of this time... and besides, he's such a chick magnet. Too many of my friends have fallen for him. I wouldn't feel right.

So, you know, maybe I'll continue the quest for my first love. Or maybe I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Edit- oh shit, his myspace says he doesn't want kids. What it this? It would never work. Haha.

Musical Rejects

Do you know what bugs me? Constantly? People. Dumb questions. Facebook. Gas. Life.

But more specifically it would be my absurd lack of musical talent. I mean, it must be IMPOSSIBLE to be as not talented as I am. I've played the violin for 8 years. I'm okay. I'll post a video one day. It's quite pathetic.

I LOVE to sing. For my music class Talent Show in 3rd grade I sang "Sweet Chariot". Nobody clapped. Or maybe I imagined that no one clapped. But they didn't like it very much, I can tell you that. I was devastated and from that day on I was never confident in my singing ability. Or, I was not comfortable with the fact that I had no ability.

Then I switched schools, was forced into a real chorus and thought I could sing. Although I had horrible stage fright. I couldn't even sing the Star Spangled Banner for my placement test. It would've helped if I knew the words. I thought that bit of "training" made me hot stuff so I auditioned for the school musical in middle school.

Sixth grade, Fiddler on the Roof. The directors didn't want anyone shooting themselves over not getting casted so they cast EVERYONE. Legit, we must've had at least 50 cast members. I was one of the five, illegitimate black Jewish kids that you never heard about. IT'S IN THE SCRIPT. TRUST. I was so happy to be grapevining across the stage. Again, I thought I was hot shit until someone cried my name during "Sabbath Prayer". I had no idea what they were whining about but I assumed it was about my singing so I started whispering.

It got worse from there. Besides ensemble, I got cast as a salesman for Music Man. They don't even sing- they just speak in time. Then in Annie, along with ensemble, I got a part that wasn't even IN the play. It was the intermission act. I know, you're thinking, "what the bloody fuck? Quit already!" Well my audience, my curtain closed after that. I quit.

Every so often I whine and cry about it. I shouldn't have quit! Oh cry, oh whine, oh piss. But then my dad brings me back to Earth with a nice "Why? You sucked." And I realize my place in the world. Or I pretend to realize because we all know I'm a space cadet/secret agent. But you know, today I take a stand and say MOTHERFUCKIN CHEERS to anyone who's ever sang in the mirror, at a karaoke bar, on the bed, in the shower, the car or got rejected from American Idol. Motherfuckin cheers and sing on!

Madness Takes Its Toll

I deleted my last post. (Like anyone cares. If you're even reading this, leave a comment. I don't care. Just say whatever.)

HOWEVER, I deleted it for two reasons. One, it sucked. No point or artistry applied. Two, it was kind of mean. I can't talk about customers. It's like a therapist talking about his client. What a shame. And I lied, there are three reasons. Three: I'm definitely paranoid right now.

Paranoid, you say? Yes. And when given time to think, I become completely paranoid. Hence, it all peaked at work today. I was considered to be the root of a problem (what that problem was, I'm not sure. Something with the register?). Ever since I was "confronted" about it (still in total darkness), I've been paranoid. What the fuck do they think I did? Why me? What about everyone else who worked yesterday? SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME. And now I'm wondering if she somehow read this. Like she has nothing better to do then look through blogs.

I've never been particularly social. I'm usually friendless, listening to music, writing plays and reading gay fiction. There are two people I talk to at work. TWO out of... what, 8 people? I actually would only count one of them because the other does most of the talking. I'm always wondering what the other 6 people are saying about me. Probably nothing but who knows. And then, I swear, after the "confrontation" (I like quotations), one of the managers was NOT being very friendly to me. She's usually real nice. Today she was... avoiding eye contact, not talking to me, barely smiling.

If that happened to you, you'd probably not care, right? I CARE. I can't have people I see every day not liking me. I can't handle that. I already feel awkward enough. Now I have people I don't know hating me?! What did I do?! And this lady-in-question can sure be mean and hold a good grudge. I'm going to be her next victim you guys. She's going to either a) stop scheduling me or b) put me on almost every day for long hours, even on my Spring Break.

OH. MY. GOD.

If I die, you'll know who killed me. She did. Or, out of manic paranoia I will have cut my wrists with the work scissors.

I Like Boys Who Like Boys

I don't know what to blame this on. My slight, sociological rebellion? My lack of exposure to different things? I have no idea but I love gay men. I have been in love (legit, in love) with gay men. And I know I'm not the only one. There's a book about it: Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys

A while ago I saw an episode of Tyra and she had these two girls who, just like me, we simply fascinated with gay men. They even sometimes wish they were gay men. OH MY GOD, ME TOO! Hear me out: I don't want to get a sex change but if I could be reborn as a gay man, I think I would do it. I know, so weird. I can't even explain it.

Now, I'm hardly a sexual person. I can't even fake anything. I'm just like, Ew, please get away from me. Don't even look at me. I blame that on attempted incest but it's just an excuse. But now that I think about it, I walked in on my dad naked once when I was somewhere between 3 and 5. I am now going to blame it on that. (Appendages?! On the OUTSIDE?!) But, by george, gay sex is like the greatest thing since sliced bread. And it doesn't even have to be sex- they can just make out. it's great. It makes me throw up in my mouth to see heterosexual hook ups but guy-guy, (sometimes girl-girl) that is my stuff right there.

Yesterday, while flipping through the channels, I discovered the best thing since gay sex since sliced bread. Are you ready for it? A heterosexual that does gay porn?! Zues and Hera- I was ready to like die and go to heaven. His name is Aaron James and he is officially the hottest guy in the world. Not because of his looks (even though he is good looking) but just for the fact that he sleeps with guys but isn't gay. He is the answer to my prayers. I love the fact that he is SO comfortable with his sexuality. Even when he's not filming, he hangs out with the guys, who are all gay. I was getting hot just seeing him hug them goodbye. Please, someone find me a straight guy (not in theatre) who is THAT comfortable with gay guys. It's incredible.

Or maybe I'm just really naive. God, I hope not. I'm always so naive about these things. But, anyways, Aaron James, PLEASE call me. I love you.

Be the Change....

So, today I was brought to tears my sheer beauty. I can't explain but words are powerful, yes?

So, with that said, enjoy (or not) my brother and Chris Crocker getting their groove on:

Lesbianism and B. Scott

I'm always complaining and then there are these random moments when fate is just like, in love with me. Today was definitely one of those moments- although, I don't think it's going to impact my life. It just my my day a bit better. RECAP!

I was early for class so I was hanging out in the lounge and all the couches were taken up, except there was room next to me. So, I'm cramming for a music test, rocking out to my mp3 and this girl comes in and sits next to me. She was like, really chilling so I asked her if she was sitting there before me, because I could move. We started talking and I said I was listening to Rent and, no way, she knew what I was talking about! I almost died.

We started talking about NYC, and The Color Purple, The Lion King and Hairspray. All which I have never seen. But I mean, YES. Finally, someone I can relate to. I am not the only theatre geek!

When she left I totally got a lesbian vibe. But we all know my gaydar is fucked up. I dated a gay guy, remember? It's so fucked up you guys. But I mean, what if, you guys? ;)

Speaking of gay. I swear that I MUST be related to B. Scott. I discovered him ala Chris Crocker. Yeah. I'm a bit slow. But I swear, B. Scott. Call me. I think you're my brother.

"The Battery's Down" Goes Up

So, several people in my life have been RAVING about The Battery's Down. In short, it's a YouTube show about an actor trying to make it. Truth be told, I watched 2 minutes of the first episode when it first went up on youtube and then I completely spaced out. Gots to check the myspace you know, and I'm not so great at multitasking. I can't even uni-task. I wasn't bored- I was just busy. Okay?

But today I finally sat down and watched both episodes. I skipped a shower for this. And I REALLY stink. But it was totally worth it. I mean, this should be on TV. It's fantastic. I want people to break out into song on my television, okay? It'd be great. So much better than that Hugh Jackman show that I never watched. (Who am I to judge? But I think I'm right.)

The song, "This is Your Life" is the greatest thing since... since my catchphrase... or like, since the last great thing debuted? Albeit, I'm not such a hardcore Bway fan like some people but I know what they're talking about. I mean, it's FANTASTICO. All I know is that damn song is going on my mp3 player right now and I'm going to sing it all day until I learn the words.

So, without further ado, I present thee the masterpiece, The Battery's Down.
There's 2 episodes so far, each having two parts. Check out the first epi now.

Switching Teams. Again.

Since age... oh, 12? I've continuously switched teams, if you catch my drift. hint hint nudge nudge.

While thoroughly maintaining an a-sexual attitude (yeah, I know, how boring. There are always exceptions.) I've declared and denounced my lesbianism a good 573489530 times. Yes, that was just a random number. It could be accurate though.

When in Florida, I'm definitely a lesbian. Well, when in Ocala anyways. The boys there don't do it for me. When in Orlando/Altamonte/any other FL city, totez a bisexual.

When in CT, I'm 99.9% straight but I can be persuaded, and when I'm persuaded we're totally going for the win. (Gooooooooal.)

But anyways, why am I talking about which way I swing?

Ellen Page. I'm slobbing all over my keyboard, good God man.



So I definitely got the most lesbian picture of her. But she's so... GOOD GOD, MAN.

I haven't seen Juno. I did see X-Men 2 though (hxc comic-book-to-movie fan, right here). And I also saw Miss Page hosting SNL tonight. I died. Especially when she did the sketch in which she described going to a Melissa Etheridge concert and blah blah and LESBIAN. Yeah, you totally had to see it. But I legit died. Then came back to type this. I'll post the video if it's ever up. But man, Miss Page, come be my lesbian lover. She's so damn hot.

And now that I think about, I was watching some good old Girlfriends today, which is totally not a gay show. But quick recap, kids at Maya's son's school were saying Lynn and Maya were lesbians because they lived together. Um, do you know that I love Lynn (aka Persia White)? She is also hot. Am I right or am I RIGHT?

Today is just my gay day.