We Are Powerless

I've still got in the Heights on repeat. And every time I go through the cd I think a little bit more about my life. Not to whine or anything, I'm happy with what I have. But I used to think I had so much more. I lived in the rich town with all the rich white people. I used to think I was the shit. I wasn't a spoiled brat- it's not like I got everything but money was never an issue to me. I mean, I never bought brand names- I didn't even dress well. But I never thought I was *poor*. My friends used to say, "Oh, my family's poor! We can't even afford to turn the A/C on!" But she's got a car now and she's in college and I'm pretty sure she gets to keep all of the hefty paycheck that she gets each week.

Me? Well, my mom has a house that no one is buying and she can't afford to keep paying the mortgage. It's just sitting there, bare. We're living in an apartment and are just scraping by. We actually got evicted out of our old apartment just after Christmas because we couldn't afford the rent. My sister and I are both in college but we're probably not going next year because we can't afford it. On a good day, I'll make $180 in two weeks but lately it's been less than $90. That's only $180 in a month. Most of it has to go to bills. I have over a $100 stashed in my closet- I'm planning on going to New York City but I always have to take money out and I can never afford to put anymore back in. It's slowly diminishing and I know I'll never see NYC. My sister doesn't have a job yet so... it's just me and my mom. I'm thinking about getting two jobs but I might need three.

And sometimes, I feel bad. I really want to be selfish- and sometimes I am. I want to keep my whole paycheck, just like I know some kids get to do. I want to save it and go to New York City and buy new clothes and new shoes, maybe fix my hair, go out, have fun. But I can't. I really can't and I'm so jealous of everyone who can.

But, I am very grateful for what I have. There are people who are worse off than me. I guess this is just a shock. Like I said, I thought I had it all. And now I worry at night that one day we're going to wake up and there's going to be no more money in the bank. Or that we won't be able to make this month's rent. Or that I'm going to have to sell my violin for cash. I think it worries my mom too. She was in the hospital a little while ago because she said she was going to kill herself. I wonder if it's because of this.