At what point do you cross the line into "stalking"?
I'm just wondering, because all last night I was thinking about the infamous Freshmen Love. AH. Yes. I went there. It was horrible. No matter how much I convince myself that I don't like him, that I never liked him, and that it would never work between us, I always end up having those random moments where I just think about him. WHY? I've spent years trash talking relationships and there's one that I can't even get away from.
So, anyways, I'm talking about stalking because the kid probably thinks that is exactly what I am doing. I've sent him a couple of messages on MySpace that I don't think he replied to. I lost his number so I sent him mine.... But then I found it again and I kind of want to text him. But you know, I really think he won't reply. We used to be tight. We stayed up and chatted til 3 AM once. Now, I really think he's trying to leave me in the dust. He has a girlfriend too and from what I hear, she's kind of a bitch. The last thing I need is to get my ass kicked by some girl.
And that's another thing too. I don't want to be like a homewrecker. I always feel bad for those girls. It'd be pretty selfish of me to try and steal him back. But I'm not going to lie. If he ever wanted to leave/cheat on his gf, I'd be completely up for it. I'm such a bad person! I am selfish... it's horrible.
Why can't I just let go of the mothereffing past? What is WRONG with me? Somebody help me.
So, I've never been a real fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the similar works of Joss Whedon. I'd catch an episode or two of his shows but, never quite caught on with me. However, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is the most amazing thing in my life right now. Everyone on the theatre message boards had been talking about it but, the episodes had yet to debut so I forgot. My sister identifies as a Toy Soldier for Dr. Steel, who claimed that Dr. Horrible was a cheap ripoff of him. But that's another story entirely. The point is, Dr. Steel's rants reminded us to watch Dr. Horrible and we did!
Basically, it's the greatest thing in the world. I believe I said that already. Neil Patrick Harris stars as Dr. Horrible/Billy, a guy who dreams of being an evil villian. His nemesis is Captain Hammer and they both just happen to like the same girl. Ay de mi, what are they to do? It's a musical and the songs are really catchy and great, for lack of better words. I'd go into more detail but the songs don't even have names yet.... But, the first episode starts with "Laundry Day" which is a cute little song that'll suck you in really fast. The theme music entertains me too. I'm just in love with the whole show... if you can't tell.
I told my mom about it, and usually she spaces out when I talk about theatre. She could care less. But I'm smart, I know how to suck her in too. I mentioned the amazingly talented NPH and she definitely wants to watch the show and listen to the music and whatnot. Which, speaking of, the episodes were only up for three days but now you can watch it on MySpace here.
The CD is apparently coming out in about two weeks. It'll definitely be on iTunes. I'm not sure if a CD is included in that "two weeks". Probably not. I wish. I hope. I'm an old fashioned kinda chick. Or as old fashion as CDs get. I like to be able to hold my music. Besides, I don't have iTunes. I'm so behind the times.
So, my point is GO CHECK OUT DR. HORRIBLE. You'll love it!
PS- The Jonas Brothers concert was this past Saturday. I did not corrupt Sideburns. Which is probably for the better. I'd have a whole community of J-Bro fans hating on me. Not to mention I'd probably finalize my ticket to hell.
For the past few days I've been trying to write a blog and I couldn't really decide on a topic. Each time I tried to write I came back to the same theme: what am I grateful for? Life is too short to be unhappy and moan about what I don't have. (But, I'd like to think I don't do that very often).
And then I clicked on the Yahoo homepage only to see that Randy Pausch had died (July 25, 2008). How could that be? I was shocked but then, I knew what I was going to write about.
Randy Pausch had terminal pancreatic cancer. He was a teacher at Carnegie Mellon and on September 18, 2007 he gave his "Last Lecture" to his students entitled, "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams". I believe that the first time I heard of him, was when he was on Oprah. He recited a portion of his speech that left the audience and I in complete tears. His humor and positivity and his overall personality is just amazing. I'm not sure, but I think if I knew I was going to die I wouldn't handle it like he did. His speech includes silly things like, "If I don't seem as depressed or morose as I should be, sorry to disappoint you." The whole "last lecture" series was meant to be hypothetical: if you were going to die, what would you want to leave the world with? Well, the series' name was changed to 'Journeys" just before Pausch's lecture. In response to this he said, "I thought, damn, I finally nailed the venue and they renamed it."
I kind of thought that since Pausch had reached such a great amount of fame and basically inspired the world, God or who ever is upstairs, would somehow let him live longer. That's a bit childish, but I can dream. And, I do believe he lived well past his doctors' predictions.
As you may have guessed from the title, Pausch's lecture was about achieving your childhood dreams. He talks about wanting to be an astronaut, but only to feel zero gravity. Well, he did get to experience zero gravity eventually! And he wanted to be a Disney Imagineer. He applied to the program, got rejected but he didn't give up! And he got to do that too! He actually did a lot of things on his goal list. And it's not just about achieving your goals- even when you don't achieve what you want, the things you learned on the way there are just as valuable.
He really inspires me. My dad has no faith whatsoever in anything I want to do. And even I have doubted myself several times. But you know, I can't just give up and let other people run my life. I need to live for myself. I need to achieve my goals. The ones that are as simple as going to New York City for the first time and the ones that are as big as writing a play and seeing actors perform it. I could die tomorrow! Well, I accept that but I want to die knowing that I did all that I could do. And if I could impact one person or change their life, I'd be happy with that too.
So, to Randy Pausch, thank you! And my condolences to your beautiful family. But your death is not in vain and you'll live on in this world for a long time. You've left a positive mark.
Now, you readers, if for some reason you've been living under a rock and haven't seen this yet, I present Randy Pausch's Last Lecture.
Skylar Astin and Phoebe Strole (formerly of Spring Awakening) filmed the movie Hamlet 2. Maybe you've seen trailers around the way? The movie looks hysterical and awesome and amazing. It's about a drama teacher who decides to write a sequel to Hamlet, even though everyone dies at the end. There's a time machine and Jesus- which leads to the catchy song, "Rock Me Sexy Jesus". It's a good song. You can download it on iTunes and get it as your ringtone. I've done neither since I don't have itunes nor can I get ringtones on my phone. But you should. I would if I could, for now I'm just singing it. I'm really excited for this movie. I'm not a movie person because I rarely have enough money to even get a ticket but I think I'd sell my body to see this movie. It's worth it.
They both also teamed up to perform in a concert presentation of Kerrigan and Lowdermilk's musical, Tales from the Bad Years. YouTube "Anonymous Sex" and "Thanksgiving Plan". They both are amazing in it. Andrew Keenan-Bolger has also just alerted his loyal readers about a demo for the musical Factory Girls that Phoebe is part of. This girl is gonna BLOW UP you guys.
[Title of Show] officially opened on Broadway a week or so ago. This show intrigues me. It was always huge off-Broadway and I was one of those people who liked it for no reason. You know what I mean? Like, I heard about 1 or 2 songs and kind of knew what it was about but I really had no reason to like it but I liked it! No doubt it's an amazing thing. So, I'm probably never getting to NYC because I've been saying I was going to go for a year but I'm still home. But, when I do get there, I want to see [Title of Show].
Also, I've had an on-and-off relationship with Legally Blonde the Musical: The Search for Elle Woods. I stopped watching whole episodes, if I even watched at all. But I did watch the last 15 minutes of the last episode and Bailey Hanks won. I'm glad for her. She does seem like a great Elle and I like her. I also think Lauren would have been fantastic as well. At the end, when Bailey found out she won, she has to sing "So Much Better". In the show, the sorority girls come out and sing as well. Naturally, all the sorority girls who sang with Bailey were all the girls who got booted off the show. Um, I started crying. Is that stupid? I'm ridiculous. When I was a kid I never understood people who cried at TV and then I started doing it. I do it almost EVERY DAY. I was just really moved lol I made fun of every one of those girls on that show but in the end, I can totally relate to them wanting to reach their dreams. Maybe one day I'll pop by Legally Blonde and see Bailey perform. Or I'll just wait for some kind of bootleg. Sorry, Broadway.
What else is there to be excited about? Let's see... Oh, I hear Remy Zaken's going to be on Gossip Girl, which I love. You may notice I've written several entries about that damn show. It sucked me in and now I'm addicted, like crack.
Also, Run's House is another one of my favorite shows. The son, Jojo, and his friends have this rap group thing. All I know is I am completely mesmerized by his friend Zach. Damn. He's cute. I'm going to be for real: I tend to fall for the white boys. So, for me to think this kid is cute? It's something new. Of course, the kid is pretty light skinned....
My life is imitating... well, "art". I suppose you could call it art. A sad attempt at art....
I've been writing a play. Honestly, it's slightly based on my life (because I write what I know) but things are tweaked a little. I always exaggerate my real life problems. So, anyways. In the play, basically the plot is a girl is struggling to support herself and her mum.... why is that actually happening all of a sudden? That's not cool! I'm this close to becoming a stripper named Candy. (Or perhaps you can suggest a better name?)
My mum came home and she's basically out of her mind. No denying her mental problems. She's running out of medicine... the claws are going to come out again, soon. Scary. Anyways, I don't think she can work. She doesn't think she can work... who knows. If she does quit or get fired or whatever, idk what we're going to do. Build a Bear sure isn't going to pay the rent. I'll start looking for another job, I guess... My dad has pretty much abandoned me. I mean, I called him and he got mad because I wouldn't leave the house. (It would break my mother's heart to leave, she said so. No use causing more damage.) He hung up on me. Bastard. I'm so angry.
God. At the court today, one of the lawyers basically was like, Go to college and get a good job. Don't be a stereotype. But maybe that's all I'm going to be. A stereotype. I might as well throw my dreams out right now. No use having them sit around....
Let's talk about how my life is like an episode of Cops.
It is SO embarrassing to be outside at 6AM, talking to some cops, in your pajamas in the middle of the driveway of an apartment complex. And, yes, people were actually awake at that hour. Two ladies actually jogged by. I wanted to hide.
Why was I in my pajamas talking to cops outside at 6 AM?
Long story. Basically, my mother has been in a bad mood all week and we (meaning my sister and I) were getting sick of it. We'd been arguing the night before and my mother threatened to kick us out the house (again). She also spent the night talking on the phone, and trashing us to her mother. It was lovely. Naturally we got pissed, and I admit it got a little out of hand and she has every right to say we were, "disrespectful". However, she started it.
Anyways, I haven't really explain why the cops were there. At 5:45 I was woken by a blow to the leg. She slapped the crap out of my leg- there are three long scratches down my leg that were actually bleeding a little. The previous night she started saying she was getting rid of our cat. (I suppose this was supposed to be "punishment" although she said it was because she was "allergic".) So, she hits me, I jump up like a fucking burglar is in the house. She scared the shit out of me. And she starts yelling for the cat carrier. She thought we hid it from her but it's only in the closet. She runs to get it and my sister runs to get our cat. Cat and sister jump into her bed and my mum starts to yell for the cat to be given to her. My sister refuses so my mum starts to smack my sister with the bag. This shit is like semi-hard plastic and zippers and everything so I imagine it can't be too comfortable to be hit with. My sister fights back in retaliation and I think my mum ditched the cat carrier just starts hitting her. I try to pull my mum off of my sister, to no avail because I'm pretty useless in fights. My mum then runs into the kitchen, returns with a god damn KNIFE. We were really scared then because we knew my mum definitely had the power to stab the hell out of both of us, and no doubt she would definitely do it.
At that point I was going to call the police. I reach for my cell phone. Not there. I reach for my sister's phone. Not there. I look on the floor, they're not there. I pretty much started panicking then. My mum actually hid our phones from us. And we don't have a house phone so there's trouble right there. All I could do was scream and hope a neighbor would call the cops. Me and my sister were like crying by then.
Well, my mom left the room (stabbed no one, for the record) and called the cops on her own phone. I do believe she told the cops to come or someone was going to die. She was going to kill us. Then she sobbed a little. Which at that point I actually felt bad. My mum has a history of mental illness.
I don't know what happened after that. I mean, the cops questioned me and I really had NO idea of what had happened. I remember wondering why I couldn't hear sirens. My mom went outside and then a little while later there was a knock on the door. Some cops talked to us. They took my mum to the hospital because apparently my sister actually banged her up a bit. One cop was actually really nice to us and he was talking to us about college (which made me cry because well... that's another story). The other cop was questioning me and we were both laughing b/c seriously, everything happened so fast that I don't know WHAT happened... Ugh.
We both went back to sleep after that. Then, as I was dreaming about Lin-Manuel Miranda putting me on his top friends (he sent me a playbill the day before, by the way), there was another knock on the door. The cops again. They said my mum ran away from them at the hospital so as soon as they found her, they were going to arrest her. She's actually in jail now. I feel really bad. I know my sister probably doesn't. She was attacked too. What I hate is that my mom told the cops and her mother that WE jumped her. Now our grandmother probably hates us (we hate her too, so at least it's mutual). The cops know that vice versa is the truth, thank God.
I don't know what happens now. My sister and mother go to court tomorrow for "breech of peace". My sister and I basically have no way of communication except for the computer. We still can't find our phones. My dad doesn't even know what happened yet. I emailed him though. I've been walking to work for the past two days. It's about 2 miles from my house, which you wouldn't think was bad but I'm so out of shape that I'm in pain and walking like a bowlegged freak.
I'm too embarrassed to mention this at work. They're going to wonder why I don't return their calls or text. But I don't know... I can't say. My manager asked me if my mom was home from her vacation yet and I like froze. Should I say something, or shouldn't I? He thought he was wrong because of my pause: "She... did go on vacation, right?" Ha. Yes, she did. I just said she was home. Even though she was totally in jail. I'm to embarrassed to even say I walk to work so I think this is going to the graves too.
I work at Build a Bear Workshop. I've put off saying where I work for several reasons. Number one being I am completely terrified of the higher-ups. I'm pretty sure we can get in trouble for blogging about work. I read something about it the handbook that no one gets to read. But I'm going to do it anyways and hope my blog doesn't come up on Maxine's Google search.
So, apparently children are really into these things called Webkinz. You buy a damn tiny stuffed animal and it comes with a code that you put into the Webkinz website to play with the virtual version of your toy. Of course Build a Bear had to get in on that action too. Just a little while ago, (December 08 maybe?) BABW opened BuildaBearville.com. You get to register your teddy bears, make a virtual avatar and play games, chat and crap. All BABW employees are supposed to know how the website works and the managers even have to play on it for a required amount of time. We play on it during store hours so it's fun! (My only complaint is the filtered chat... XD You can't type ANYTHING. Once there was a scavenger hunt for peanuts and I tried to ask the kids where they were and I couldn't even type "peanut". Some little snotty brat told me to look harder. I wanted to virtually slap her.)
Anyways. Here's what you have to know about Build a Bearville: When you register our newer stuffed animals, you get extra "Bear Bills" to spend on virtual crap. There are also codes that come with various things in our store so you can have special things online. There's a beach towel, a "bunny hop", Hannah Montana Purse... So these eventually become "rare" items. Well, as BABW employees we have access to so much things. Our managers go overboard sometime. I come into work and they're trying to trade a 12 year old online for some rare item. One of them had every single new animal there was, everything you could buy in the virtual store and who knows what else. BABW found her account and completely wiped it out. They deleted all of her things, her animals, her house (oh yes, you get to have a BABW house)...
I think that is SO hilarious. Is it really that serious? It's just an online game. An employee "cheating" at an online game is probably the least of their worries. I could tell some stories.... Oh, Build a Bear Workshop, you amuse me.
I really wish I had something interesting to blog about, but I really don't. I might drench this post in random pictures for the hell of it.
Every so often I have a brilliant idea that I don't follow through with. In 4th grade, it was building some sort of bike/trailer combonation that I could store all of my stuff in and run away with. In 5th grade it was auditioning for Circus Smirkus.
Now it's switching colleges and majors. If I go to Conn College, I can quite possibly major in English with a minor in theatre. I think that sounds like a brilliant idea and I'll be saying I'm going to do that for the next 10 years. Or I'll actually try to do it, and won't be able to A) afford college, B) get into the theatre program or I will C) flunk out.
I know. I'm such a downer. I'd like to blame my father instead of blaming myself.
Speaking of my father, my parents are crazy and I'll just leave it at that. Actually, know I won't. My mother is busy leaving nasty voicemails for her family members and they are retaliating. All of a sudden we are all in middle school, checking the "No" on the "Do you like me?" note. Damn.
So, I like rap. I don't agree with some of the lyrics today though. I mean, really, do we always have to rap about sex? XD That's my hardcore feminist talking. My dad makes me listen to old rap. I have to say Will Smith's Big Willy Style = classic.
I'm really glad In the Heights incorporates hip hop and rap because it gets to show people that it's not all bad. Anyways. Back to my main point. I got some videos for you. This kid is REALLY cool and cute and adorable and he's actually a decent rapper. I can't rap to save my life, let alone freestyle. I don't know his name, we'll just call him BroadwayKidd. But I would love to meet him one day. Is that creepy? lol
All right, so I've always been mildly into Passing Strange. I mean, one day I spent a long time clicking through everything on their website. And I heard one song, didn't really like it. But then I heard some more and of course, started to like it. Anyways, before I start rambling, I'm just saying, NO IT CAN'T CLOSE.
Did you know Stew wrote "Gary, Come Home" for Spongebob. Um, SPONGEBOB GUYS. Spongebob used to be the shit. That's cool. Is it bad that I'm so amused over Spongebob? I'm very excited by this news.
Anyways. I'm sad that the show is closing. At least it won a Tony. And Spike Lee is filming it so I guess I'll check it out then.
Anyone seen this? Thoughts? Like it? Yes?
Also, I feel like I'm totally dropping the ball here. I don't believe in the whole "support black people because you're black" thing but man, I fucking should've went to see this show. Not just because the cast is Black but because the cast is black and they're rocking out. We have a connection! lol A black rock musical, when is that ever going to happen again? Probably never. And I missed it all. Motherfucker, can you believe it? I'm always missing the good stuff. DAMN IT. [/end rant]
So I was internet-less for a while, so i posted my cell number on myspace. You'd think that was a bad idea, considering I have over 300 friends and I don't know all of them. But, I've done it before and haven't had problems. Most people are friend-whores and wouldn't read my bulletins anyways. Before I did it I deleted a bunch of weirdos off my list but still, I didn't catch them all.
There's one guy, Victor, who I added the day before my net got cut off. I already knew he was stupid when he sent me a message. I read it, and 2 seconds later I got another message saying, "Why didn't you reply to my comment that I left you?" So, unfortunately, I forgot to delete him too and he read my bulletin and text me while I was at work. I'll recap, shall I?
July 3rd Victor: Whats up Me: Who's this? Victor: Victor and who is this Victor: who is this Fucking retard. Me: Valerie. Did you get my number off of myspace? I told ppl not to txt me if I didn't know you. hey, it's worked before. Victor: I have you on my profile Victor: i have you on my profile Fucking sent it twice after I didn't answer him. Victor: Hey?
July 5 He sent me a chain txt. Dumb.
July 7 Victor: Wats up Me: Please stop txting me, I don't know you Victor: U have on myspace All right. What the FUCK? He can't speak english? Me: So? That doesn't mean I know you sorry gtfo Victor: wat gtfo Victor: Wats gtfo mean Me: Google it. STOP WASTING MY TEXTS I only get 250 a month :D This is when I should've just ignored him. Victor: I was guna ask u if u want to be my gf and do you have a picture fone Victor: I was guna ask u if u want to be my gf and do you have a picture fone This motherfucker texts me again when I don't answer him. Now I know he's a stupid asshole who's probably 13 years old and has nothing better to do. I decide to humor him. But somewhere at the end of my message I get annoyed. Me: send me a pic of ur face n I'll get back to you. And how old r u? fucking 12? Victor: No I am not 12. (Totes did not send a pic.) Me: Well I'm a lesbian and you're annoying. I don't know you and we don't live in the same state so why would I wanna date you?! Victor: I am in love with you and I don't mind if ur lesbian Me: Okay, now I know you're joking. Leave me the fuck alone please Victor: ur bi Victor: I want u to be my gf
And that was the last I saw of that bastard. I should harrass him back but he might be a minor. That fucking asshole though. I'm starting to hike up security XD My phone can't block numbers... Sucks. But I think I'm going to stop adding just anyone to my myspace page.
Would it be mean of me to post his number here? It's not like anyone reads it anyway... ugh. I'm SO tempted.
My life is actually getting pretty interesting. I mean, in the last 3 years I've experienced more than I ever thought I would. And it's all changed me for the better. For real, I'm going to stop focusing on the negative and look at the positive. And, as much as I want to corrupt Sideburns, I can blog about more interesting things. (But if I do corrupt Sideburns, you'll definitely hear about it :D)
I've been talking to a girl online for about a year now. Last night she sent me this quote, maybe you've heard it before?
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" - Marianne Williamson
WOW. I read that at like 3 AM. I was close to tears. And the fact that my friend cared enough to send that to me? I mean, I know I always pick philosophies and ideas to follow but I never actually do. This is going on that list. And for at least this month I'm going to believe this quote.
And, I'm going to work really hard. I might get a second job. I might look for a community college to go to. (Incidentally, what do I do if the community college near me doesn't have the major I want? I want English or Creative Writing, yet neither my old college nor the CC near me has either.) Anyways. Hopefully I'll be more positive and more exciting, y/n?
So, The Jonas Brothers have purity rings. I probably mentioned that before. Lolz. I think that's adorable buuuuut, they're freaking rock stars plagued by horny teenaged girls. How long could that possibly last?
I'm a little old to be into the J-Bros (Yes. I just called them the J-Bros.) but they are everywhere I look. I can't ignore them. I work at a kids' store- we play their music A LOT. They're not ugly. Except for the oldest one. His hair is curly and he has massive sideburns... that's why I'll call him Sideburns. But he's also 19 and legal and I guess I'm moving out of my a-sexual phase because I really would like to corrupt him. VERY MUCH. Just to do it, you know? I would feel really bad about it... but only afterwards. I've always been into the whole groupie thing haha. Too much information? Too bad.
I wanna fuck a rockstar.
Even if he is on Disney Channel.
And I wouldn't write to a magazine or anything. It'd be my little secret. Well, me and a few other people's little secret. You think I'm not gonna brag about it? Only to people who think I'm not a slut. I'm not. I used to be a-sexual, remember? I haven't even made out with anyone yet. So now my hormones are like raging after all that down time.
They're doing a show near here. I know security is going to be crazy but I'm gonna get to see them. And we're gonna rock all night long *sings* XD And they have said that they would date a fan. I'm not a hardcore Disney-watching-CD-buying fan but I get excited when I see them on tv.
So, I don't really have a plan but I'm gonna do it. XD
I'm an 19 year old almost-college-dropout with a music addiction, a mild theatre obsession and a sensitivity to sugar and I'm doing everything I said I wouldn't.
