Second Star to the Right

Potter Curse?

2009-07-16T15:14:00.006-04:00

Blogomorphus!

Guess what I saw last night!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right my friends, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince!

Harry motherfucking Potter.

Um, yes sir, it was GREAT! I laughed, cried, laughed a whole lot more... Fantastic! I won't give much away, don't worry! I didn't leave early enough so I ended up getting the shit seats in the 2nd row. Yeah, my neck was hurting from looking up before the movie even started.

HBP is actually the funniest movie in the series. You wouldn't think it would be, considering all the shit that goes down! But it totally was! A lady in front of me asked, "Is this a comedy?" Sure, why not? Audience reaction added to the hilariousness. "Oh she's so cute!" (At Luna), "Oh my god, she's crazy!" (At Lavender) "Who's that?!" (The little boy behind me everytime someone came on the screen). There's a part where Cormac McLaggen is eyeing Hermione and he puts his finger in his mouth. Most of the audience started cracking up or "ewww"ing, while there was a handful of little kids saying, "What?! What happened?! I don't get it!!"

As usual, I feel like you might not have a clue what was happening in the movie if you didn't have some idea of what happened in the book. Ever since Prisoner of Azkaban, every one has gotten sloppy in making the material make sense to non-book readers. But maybe that's okay, makes it seem like they're making it for the fans. But I even found myself trying to remember what happened in the book. Like, when did Ginny join the quidditch team? Were Harry and Ginny supposed to kiss in this book or the one before it? Was Ron on the Quidditch team last year? I seriously could not remember anything! But I quickly got over it.

There's 3 things that made me hapy about this movie. 1) Casting the Unbreakable Vow looked just how it's described in the book and how I imagined it. 2) Slughorn extracting the intact memory from his noggin looks axactly how it's described in the book. These two made me happy because it is so often that nothing looks how it's supposed to look. (For example, does the book describe the Death Eaters apparition/flying? to leave smoke-like trails?) And 3) Fawkes. I was worried Fawkes was not going to show up! Thank God he was there.

Off screen there's been some insane Potter action which leaves me wondering: Is this going to continue? Could we have a Potter curse in the making? Last May, 18 year old
Rob Knox, who makes a brief appearance as Marcus Belby (I found him absolutely adorable!) was fatally stabbed after alledgedly trying to protect his brother from a knifeman. Yikes! He was one of several stabbed in an odd rise in knife crime in England.

Today, Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabbe, pled guilty to marijuana charges. Police found 9 bags of pot in his car, along with a knife. At his mother's home, police found 10 marijuana plants. Growing pot carries up a 14 year sentence. Waylett, along with a friend who pled guilty to possession, will be sentence on Tuesday.

Cheating with Swine Flu

2009-04-28T12:23:00.002-04:00

I haven't been posting so much! And I wish I had something to write about. I do not. But let's see what I can dig up... shall we?

Swine Flu. What. The. FUCK! First of all, I feel like the news is causing mass hysteria. Okay, not really, just mass hysteria in me lol I mean, I'm thinking, wtf, I can't eat any fucking pork?! And then I see "not spread through food." Motherfucker, thank you. But it's just like the flu right? Remember when we were all buying gas masks preparing for the Bird Flu? We thought there was going to be a fucking zombie-like infection. There was not. So... Swine flu is going to end just like that, right?

Second: I'm talking to this kid right now. We've never even really hung out (hanged out?) that much but he used to like me. I think he still kind of does. Yet, he just told me he just got married with a kid on the way. And I still feel like he likes me! And trust me, this is not an inflation of my ego. I am always surprised when people like me. Anyways, CUH-REEPY. He's a nice kid though. He told me he watched Rent last night because he knows I love it! Good news is, I've never really liked him so... no trouble for me.

Third: It's supposed to be around 90 degrees today. NICE! If only the pool were open! I'm wearing a mini skirt today. Now I only have to find somewhere to shake my ass at. Just kidding.

Til another time my friends....

I'm baaaaaaaack!

2009-04-08T17:11:00.002-04:00

Hello darlings! Did you miss your mommy? I bet.

I've been away. Writing musicals, having sex with Jonas Brothers, falling in and out of love with manic pixie dream girls and... hell, I've done none of those things. In actuality, I got kicked out of my apartment and had to quit my job.

You might be happy to hear that I have followed through with my New Year resolutions. I am not afraid to fall in love. I value my money. I do play my violin. I do accept opportunities. I've read some books and listened to some music. I have written several poems and started a few short stories. I've got to finish them, and I think I will.

I guess I don't really have much to say, huh?

I'll come up with something good. I pinky swear.

Flight

2009-01-26T21:19:00.005-05:00

I've been neglecting this baby. I haven't even been reading all the blogs I'm subscribed to. I'll catch up on those tomorrow :) Any how, I am in love with this video. It's a little old but this is Morgan Karr, super gorgeous and super amazing Spring Awakening swing (RIP Spring Awakening, btw) at the Want the Change concert in December singing "Flight" by Craig Carnelia. This song is so beautiful, I've had it on repeat all day. Why have I NEVER heard this song before? Enjoy. <3

WTF Jo Bros?

2009-01-07T17:27:00.002-05:00

Is it just me or does my blog ask you to log into Keepingupwithjonas.com? WHY? I do not want to connect with what I assume is a Jonas Brothers website. Once upon a time I wanted to corrupt them, remember that? But I do not want to go to a Jo Bros website.

It only happens when you go to the direct home page, rather than clicking individual blog entries.

Is this happening to anyone of the 0-5 people who read my blog?

Here I Come 2009!

2008-12-30T18:38:00.003-05:00

Well 2009 has crept up pretty fast! Do you agree? I figure I better set some New Year's Resolutions that I'm not going to follow through with.

1) In 2009 I resolve to not be afraid to fall in love.

I know, that's lame and emo but you'd understand if you saw how fast I start running in the opposite direction when The Boy says any sentence with the words "in love". Scary words!!!! Oh yes, he has said that he's in love with me. Then for the most part I freak out (except for that one time where I was "flattered". I was though.) He won't say anything about it for like months, then he tries again. I'm still programed to freak out. I'm almost positive that I have control over this reaction? lol So for 2009, no more freaking out. I can handle this like a normal person.

2) In 2009 I resolve to be more independent.

True facts: I don't have a car, I can't even drive, I can't cook to save my life... um, what else? In 2009 I need to learn how to actually cook so I can stop eating pre-cooked things. I'm pretty sick of hot pockets, hot dogs and chicken wings. I'm going to work on this car thing or at least buy some bus tickets.

3) In 2009 I resolve to not complain about my lack of money.

Since it's not 2009, here's my complaint: After paying rent I only had $80 left for 2 weeks. Somehow that's basically gone and I've had to dip into my Christmas money. I was definitely planning on buying myself something nice, like strings to play my violin. But now I have more bills and food to buy. SO, in 2009, no more complaints like that. There are people with families to support who have less than I have. I need to CUT IT OUT.

Speaking of violin strings....
4) In 2009 I resolve to start playing violin again.

It's just sitting under my bed doing nothing. I love that thing. I should start playing again. It's such a fantastic emotional outlet. I'm not the best but I do love it.

5) In 2009 I resolve to accept more opportunities.

That's right. Opportunity walks through the door and I just totally snub it. So far I've turned down manager jobs, scholarships, invitations, etc etc etc. I don't know what is wrong with me, do you? People would die for the things I've been offered. So, 2009, I will say "Yes" to more things! (Yes Man with Jim Carrey is a pretty good movie, by the way.)

6) I resolve to read more books and discover new music.

The very soul of my existence relies on stories and music. I have not been reading as many books as I would like to. I'm definitely not doing anything else so I might as well read. When I can afford it, I'll buy a new book or two. New music is always right around the corner. I have to give everything a chance and start filling up my music library!

Lastly,

7) In 2009, I resolve to write more.

What happened to the days when I would write 80 things at the same time? I've always wanted to be a writer. I was going to major in writing in college. Now, when was the last time I actually wrote something? I used to have such a passion for writing and I used to spend hours around the house planning, plotting and writing. There is a mountain of folders and notebooks under my bed waiting for my pen to touch them again. I may have to start with baby steps but in 2009, I will write many, many words.

Happy New Year, guys!

Of two things I'm sure.

2008-12-06T02:05:00.003-05:00

Here are a couple things that I have learned:
1) There are two kinds of people in the world- dumpees and dumpers.

I am not a relationship person. I've been in one relationship that I count as semi-real. That lasted all of two months and I was not even truly invested in the relationship. I was more into the hanging out/holding hands part than anything else. But if we are going to base my place on the scale on that relationship, I am a dumpee. And only because he dumped me before I could dump him. I was over the relationship already, I was just riding it out though. That probably means that I will forever be a dumpee. Unless I meet the emoest person on the planet. I sure as hell will have to dump them first.

EDIT- I also had a relationship that I accidentally got in to. That lasted over the weekend. Then I dumped him! According to the John Green definitition of getting dumped, this counts! I am so excited! So I am about even. Actually, now that I think about it- the boy I dumped was emo.

2) All relationships end in a break up, divorce or death.

I am not particularly fond of any of those things so I think I prefer to have 0% chance of encountering them. That is my problem. I think way too far ahead. I'm thinking about the break up before a relationship even starts. The end result is me being "busy", "kind of taken", or "not interested". I tend to wait for fate to let me know when to even make friends with someone. If I don't feel it in my soul, I'm not going to talk to you. True facts.

But why the heck should I be so afraid?

I need to take chances. Close my eyes and leap head first into a big bowl of relationships.

That Manic Pixie Dream Girl

2008-11-05T19:17:00.003-05:00

Naturally, I am a huge fan of John Green, the author of Looking for Alaska, as well as An Abundance of Katherines and his new, NY Times Bestseller, Paper Towns. While watching a live broadcast from a stop on his Book/Nerdfighting Tour, I quickly became obsessed with something called the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

The Manic Pixie Dream Girl was something I had never heard of. Forgive me if I'm a bit slow and you're thinking, "How could you not know what a Manic Pixie Dream Girl was?" Although, I'm not sure I know anyone who would know the term so you can blame the company I keep.

The term was coined by Nathan Rabin to describe Kirsten Dunst's character in Elizabethtown (which I've never seen so I won't talk about it much...) According to Rabin, a manic pixie dream girl "exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures."

The Manic Pixie Dream Girl is a fascinating creature in my eyes. There are several notable MPDGs, and I'm not going to talk about them (although, I'm already addicted to Natalie Portman's MPDG in Garden State and you should check that out yourself). I'm going to talk about the ones I know the best and the ones I care for the most.

Mimi Marquez, the HIV-positive, heroin addicted S&M stripper from Rent is a MPDG and I never even saw it. She believes that today is all that matters, she runs without regrets. Roger is a recluse, recovering from a heroin addiction. Mimi yearns for someone while Roger doesn't even want to leave the heatless loft, let alone form new relationships. Her one wish to go "out tonight" changes Roger's life forever.

What a mighty fine sentence to end on because that leads me right to the newest and most fascinating MPDG I have come across (in these last two weeks): Margo Roth Spiegelman. Margo's wish to go out tonight had similar effects on Quentin Jacobsen, otherwise known as Q. In Paper Towns, Margo Roth Spiegelman (who is really so awesome even to me that her full name MUST be used) has been Q's next door neighbor since they were two years old. With three and a half weeks of senior year left, Margo Roth Spiegelman crosses that dog-shock-collar-line created by high school cliques, and reunites with Q. At his bedroom window. Just before midnight. Dressed like a ninja. It only gets better from there. I don't want to spoil anything for you but Margo Roth Spiegelman is so incredibly amazing with her crafty plans of revenge and enough awesomeness to break into a theme park in the middle of the night that I wish she was my best friend.

Rabin writes, of the MPDG, that you "either want to marry her instantly... or [you] want to commit grievous bodily harm against them and their immediate family." For parts of the book, I was swinging for the latter team. She had Q wrapped around her finger and so caught up in her game that I was actually pissed off. But part of me always loved her. In the end, I did love her. And I wish that I had even .01% MPDG in my soul. I want to be that MPDG!

While most people would be quick to point out that the MPDG is not real- that she is a fictional device, floating among the Knights in Shining Armour and the Mary Sues, I would like to argue that the MPDG must be out there some where. She is out there. But maybe she's a little bit more manic than pixie. And maybe she's a little bit more girl than dream. Perhaps the crazy and wild is nothing but a cover for the fragile and beautiful girl that's underneath... but still- she's out there.

Human dung? Come again?

2008-10-13T00:23:00.004-04:00

My mother is a devoted follower of the self-proclaimed Christian prophet and faith-healer, Peter Popoff. From what I gather, he seems to take part in various rituals that seem to be taken from Romanian gypsies. For instance, I remember my mother throwing pennies into a lake for good fortune. My mother has also worn a cheap, cloth bracelet on her wrist for a time in hope for good fortune as well. No harm done in that, one would think. However, I quickly learned of the money she has sent to him in return for these silly and cheap... may I call them spells? $100 in exchange for a bracelet that came out of a gumball machine hardly seems like a fair trade.

I almost believed in him when my mother started to scream about evil spirits in our house. I didn't believe her, I mean. But she soon got a letter from Popoff telling us to leave our house or get it cleansed. I was almost shocked that he would know of my mother's worries until I realized that she had been writing to "him". "Him" being one of the 80 people who respond to his mail. He didn't know anything at all. They were just fueling my mother's delusions- which can quite possibly be attributed to her schizophrenia.

But I'm off track, as usual. I could go on for days about Popoff's bankruptcy and his debunkment in the 80s. But what's really on my mind is this: My mother just said she ordered some "Miracle Manna Bread" from him, for my sister and I. Okay. Whatever. Thank God I decided to google what the hell this bread was because my mother couldn't tell me.

Manna bread is apparently mentioned in the bible, and God said it was to be cooked with human feces as fuel. Oh yes. FECES. From a HUMAN. Although, according to wikipedia, God changed his mind and said it can be cooked with cow feces instead. This bread is supposed to heal me and bring me financial wealth. Either way, I'm assuming this bread must taste like shit. I hope my mother doesn't make me eat it. I may throw up at the sight of it. Besides, the way our economy is, no amount of shit bread is going to bring me money.

Also, again, thanks to wikipedia, I am apparently getting the bread for free but I should send him $25. For what? An oil change on his car? Unless I'm feeding some children in Africa, I'm not sending him any fucking money. This is almost riduculous. I should eat it, then get sick and then sue him. That sounds like a brilliant plan. Then the bread would have worked after all.

PS- Assuming there is a God, Devil, heaven and hell, this is probably one of those blogs that's going to send me to hell.

PPS- I'm know I'm not the only one who's not into this... stuff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfFsdZlMvRo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKQTm8wfsro

I am SO Sorry [ToS]!

2008-09-19T22:22:00.003-04:00

I believe that I have jinxed Broadway. I post a blog (when was this, yesterday morning?) and tonight I find out the [Title of Show] is closing?! Um, coincidence? I think not. What we have on our hands here people is a serious case of jinxing. And what I have on MY hands is the blood of a musical. OUT OUT DAMN SPOT.

If you don't know, [title of show] is a musical about two regular guys- Hunter and Jeff- who decide to write a musical, starring them and their "attractive and talented ladyfriends", Susan and Heidi. They end up getting into NYMF and winning some Obies and then Broadway! It's a musical about a musical. Yay!

To be honest, I don't own the OCR, nor have I seen the show but I'm already in love with the cast and the songs and just everything. I was planning on possibly going to see this for my birthday, which is, only naturally, AFTER they close.

Besides the actual show, I always completely fall in love with the story of how they GOT to Broadway, you know? They're not like, Elton John or some Disney spew that got their names up in lights with hardly any work. I mean, these cats were up by me at the Eugene O'Neil Theater Center working their butts off (I live 10 minutes from there: I feel special). And I was so excited for them when they got a theatre on Broadway and when they opened- seriously. I was SO happy for them. I still am happy for them.

Sometimes I feel like if I just freaking went to go see the show like I said I would... but I know my two tickets wouldn't save them. Still, I want to feel like I was at least supporting them. After all, they're everything I would hope to be. Well, at least SOMEBODY made it buddies. I send all my love in the world out to the show. In the mean time... I'll keep [Tos]sing.

Oh, God, Not XANADU!!!! WHY?!

2008-09-18T09:39:00.004-04:00

Oh. No. Xanadu is CLOSING?

I've never seen Xanadu- the movie or show- but it all seemed a little bit too campy for me. However, I wasn't going to say it sucked until i saw it. And of course it didn't SUCK. Cheyenne Jackson- helloooooo. That is all one needs in life, I'm just throwing it out there.

Wait, AND Forbidden Broadway is closing? Damn you Bway Gods- what have you done to me? Or better yet, what have I done to YOU?

What's next? Should I be worried? Glory Days, Rent, Xanadu, PASSING STRANGE, Cry Baby... all gone. What's next? WHAT'S NEXT?! :p

Broadway is just tearing my heart open. I can only take so much after Rent closing. XD Maybe the West Side Story revival will make me happy again. My boyfriend, James Hayden Rodriguez, (and by "boyfriend" I mean person who was supposed to join the Spring Awakening tour cast and make me very happy) is in the WSS revival. That still makes me VERY happy. I was trying to find a picture of him for you guys to ogle but no such luck.

Okay, my mind is just all over the place today so let's take a sharp left turn onto Random Street and talk about how Lin-Manuel Miranda just made me smile. A smile bigger than the one James puts on my face! Next entry will be... more focused.

I'm Sure You Can Fit Through THAT.

2008-09-12T20:51:00.003-04:00

Remember how TV is my bff? Well, I know I'm a little late, but I watched Hole in the Wall last night. That is the single GREATEST thing on television right now. Or it was last night anyways. It's a rip off of a Japanese game show (oh yes, you know that means GOLD) and people have to fit through a hole or shape in the wall. Words fail me so you'll just have to watch this:

That's from the episode I watched last night. I was on the floor the whole time. I mean, it doesn't get any more entertaining than that.

Hand Me the Remote and Fast Forward to the Drama

2008-09-09T19:41:00.005-04:00

I'm sitting here, drinking my Crystal Light raspberry lemonade (that I stole from my sister, thanks sis), eating powdered donettes and watching 90210. I missed the premiere, twice, so I figured I'd catch up before it came on tonight. The idea came to light a little too late though: the premiere is 2 hours long, the new episode starts in 15 minutes and I'm not even an hour into the show. AH. That math doesn't add up in the way I want it to!

Really, I'm watching this show because the high schoolers (ugh, can I even call them that? How is that girl supposed to be 16?) are performing Spring Awakening. Ugh. I'm appalled by the whole thing. And I was never really a fan of the original either, although I probably wasn't old enough to grasp the concept anyways. But we'll ride it out. I'm still intrigued.

I've just realized how happy I am to have my fall TV back though. Gossip Girl is my guilty pleasure. What's going to happen with S and D and what's gonna go down when school starts back up. Where's J going to fit in? I AM SO EXCITED IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. And why is Nate mackin on an old lady? Unf. I am obsessed. I saw a Gossip Girl calendar at work today- I need it.

I'm also happy for Ellen to be back, even though I fell asleep just before the end of her show today. And America's Next Top Model! Ah, how about that Isis, the first transgender contestant? She is so pretty. All those girls who don't like her- they're just jealous.

I don't know what I'm going to do when The Secret Life of the American Teenager goes off. How campy fabulous is that show? But I think I'll be fine. Just keep the television drama rolling in my direction.

Goodbye Love - Rent Entry #3

2008-09-07T18:24:00.004-04:00

Seasons of Love came on at work, AGAIN. I went off into far off space for a second, imagining the cast lining up on the stage to sing it. I wish I were there. But I guess it's okay, and right, that I am not there. Or, perhaps, it doesn't matter. Rent isn't dying- it's just... closing. It's always going to be with me.

After I saw the Rent movie, I sobbed and sobbed. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I am in no way exaggerating. I am adopted, and when I was 11 I found out that my biological mother was HIV-positive, and a cocain addict at the time of my birth. I was young. I knew what HIV was, I actually believe myself to have an educated knwoledge about it. However, this didn't stop me from having negative thoughts about her. I wondered how she could have done this to me- "ruined" my life like that. I wondered what bad things she did to get HIV and blah blah blah.

After I saw Rent, the weight of everything I had ever said or ever thought came crashing down on me and I regretted it. How could I be so blind, or even judge someone I didn't know? When it comes right down to it, this women gave birth to me and there was always going to be some kind of connection there. And it's not like she just gave us up to pursue her own thing; it is documented that she tried to get clean to regain custody of my sister and I. I was ashamed of myself and worried for her. I wondered where she was- if she had died or how healthy she was....

This inspired me to learn more about HIV/AIDS. In my senior year in high school I decided to study AIDS education for my year-long project. I didn't get to carry it out as far as I would like but I had planned on starting my own education program. I was going to call it ANGEL: A New Generation Educating Life. That never really happened but I learned more than I could ever hope. I had to get my message out somehow. I ended up making a video, a sort of PSA about HIV and AIDS. Too many people think that it is a disease that happens to other people or in other countries. But here, in AMERICA, there are so many HIV-positive citiziens. Just because it's not an epidemic, like it was in the 80s, doesn't mean it's still not around. I was upset by the lack of knowledge that so many people seemed to have.

Rent's message of "no day but today" influenced me greatly as well. Live for the moment. Don't worry about what you did or what's going to happen. You have to appreciate what you have today. The friends I had, the life I lived.... Now when things get way to hectic I realize, I have to freaking slow down, look around, breathe. Tomorrow I could be gone and I don't want to wish I had done this or that.

Rent, you changed my life, and the lives of so many people. The show's closing, but the message is going to live on through the music, through the Rentheads, through community theatres and the movie. I promise never to let my Rent candle go out. Nothing could ever be enough but thank you- thank you Jonathan Larson.

Rent entry #2

2008-09-07T00:17:00.005-04:00

Is it just me or did my number of views just go up? Are people reading my blog?! Or is it some kind of glitch? Unless I've been oblivious, it seems I've got up 5,000 views in a few days and I don't see that possible. I'm pretty sure everyone is being linked through that Miley Cyrus pic. Well... if you're actually reading, thank you.

But back to the most important thing: I CAN'T BREATHE.

Well, that's an exaggeration. But you get the idea.

It still hasn't hit me that Rent is closing. Seasons of Love came on at work today and I kind of froze, I stopped breathing for a second- but really I was just being a drama queen. I went right back to doing what I was doing. I don't even remember hearing the song go off. I even went to Borders today and almost bought the Rent bible but decided against it, with the reasoning that I really had no where proper to put it. I keep all my books in my dresser and there's no way the huge coffee table Rent book would fit in there. I was considering getting a "no day but today" tattoo but I'm even wary against that now, even though I've been so sure for the last how-many years. It's weird. I'll probably end up crying at work tomorrow. Or on Monday.

Where did all of this Rent business begin? Well, for me, it all started on February 24, 2006. I was in my junior year of high school. I had heard of Rent before but not enough to get me interested in it. Then, the musical theatre group at my school started rehearsing "Seasons of Love". I was an orchestra dork but we all did shows together because we shared a teacher so I got to hear them sing the song millions of times. Somewhere between the first and fourth time I heard it, I got tears in my eyes. Conveniently, the Rent movie was coming out so I would definitely have to see it. I ended up waiting until February so I could rent the movie from Blockbuster. I was so excited, I didn't even want to hear what the store employee had to say. I was more concerned with getting home and popping this bad boy into my dvd player.

I am not going to lie, not even a little bit. I was slightly confused. I didn't know who was HIV+ and who wasn't. I didn't know what the hell happened during Today 4 U because I didn't pay attention to the lyrics. I swear to God, I didn't know the song was called Out Tonight so I thought Rosario Dawson was saying, "Owwwoooo tonight". (You know, like that mating call/scream thing people do when they get excited or whatever.)

However, I cried and cried and CRIED when the movie ended. This was Rent? This was FANTASTIC! I couldn't even believe it; I was in shock. This could have been in my life for a long time- I just never knew how amazing it was. Suddenly, everything became Rent. I woke up bright and early the next morning and watched the documentary on Jonthan Larson. I cried at that too, OF COURSE. I was in awe of... this whole story. I was in awe of Jonathan and what he'd written and what happened to him and how monumental his piece seemed to be. After that I watched the movie again. This time, I got the "Out Tonight" and what happened to Evita the Akita. I made my dad watch it with me, even though he claims to hate musicals. I'm sure he did not appreciate it one bit.

I spent forever researching Rent online. I slowly began to figure out the lyrics (por ejemplo: "...Even your own blood cells betray" and "Find the one song before the virus takes hold"). I got the Rent bible and spent all night reading it. All I talked about was Rent and I was starting to no more than the musical theatre kids. I'm sure everyone around me, and especially my family, was annoyed but Rent was in my life now and it was never going to be the same again. Rent changed my life, and I'll tell you more about that tomorrow. (YIKES! TOMORROW. I'm scared.)

Rent Entry #1

2008-09-05T22:17:00.004-04:00

Oh yes, this is Rent entry #1. There's two more where this came from. I mean, hopefully there are two more. I am going to feel like an uber jackass if I can't pull anymore words out of my butt. Let's take this slow.

Today, while cleaning my lovely (not) apartment, I played Rent in my lovely cd player. I was getting my groove on, let me tell you. And then it got to Will I? and I completely lost it. I was emptying the bucket I used to mop the floor and there were tears clouding my vision. I was hoping the toilet wasn't overflowing- I couldn't tell through my waterworks. Tears were EVERYWHERE. I'm sure I could've mopped the floor a little more with them if I needed to.

I guess some people wouldn't consider me a true fan. I've never seen it on stage. I got into Rent because of the movie. I didn't get the cast recording until last year when I traded my Voices for Rent points for it. However, I have kind of sort of met Anthony Rapp, I've read the Rent bible- although I don't own it. And... I sing the songs a lot? I'm not sure what is going to help people to consider me a Rent fan... or, dare I say, Renthead.

What makes someone a Renthead? There are so many arguments over this, it's not right. Someone once said they consider the Rentheads to be the people who waited in the rush line when the show opened. True. They are Rentheads. But what about the zillion of fans who have come after them? Perhaps they deserve the... honorary title of Renthead, too? I do believe Rentheads have a strong connection to the show. Rentheads support the show, no matter what. The show is forever in the hearts of Rentheads.

I know Rent means a lot to me and to hundreds of other people. But more on that later, for 2 reasons: I need something to write about in the other entries and my mom is arguing with my sister and I like the annoying bat she is. No day but today!

Twilight- book crack.

2008-08-30T20:08:00.000-04:00

"Twilight this... Twilight that..." That is all I am ever hearing! What the HELL is Twilight? Okay, so I do know what Twilight is. There's a girl named Bella and a vampire named Edward that 1 out of 3 girls is in love with and someone named Jacob. Oh, and don't forget the teams: Team Jacob or Team Edward. But WHAT exactly is all the hype about? I decided to find out.

I bought a paperback edition of Twilight. I had a 30% coupon so it was only $8. I was not dishing out my money just to ease my curiosity. I was quickly annoyed at how vague the story is in the beginning. If I didn't know there were vampires involved I would've stopped reading the book before I finished the first chapter. It was a little dull but I had to keep reading because I knew it was going to be good. Basically the beginning is this: "Bella this, Bella that, I call my parents by their first names, it rains in Forks, it rains a lot, I'm emo, I cry myself to sleep, it rains a lot, I'm crying again..." and so on.

The beginning of the book is almost day by day so it makes it slightly boring because nothing particularly awesome happens every day. It's just a whole lot of talking and staring at how sexy Edward is.

Which brings me to another thing. EDWARD IS SEXY. I'm not sure if it's because I'm imagining the boy who played Cedric Diggory in the Harry Potter movies or if it's that Meyer/Bella keeps telling me how sexy he is or if it's because he truly is sexy, even when he basically exists as words on a page. I am not one to fall for book characters. I find it impossible that a person can love a character in a book (movies and television are a different story since there is a physical manifestation of them.) But Edward. His good looks are dripping out of the ink. WHY? What kind of voodoo magic has Meyer pulled on me to make me fall in love with her character?

I am not sure.

But I do know Edward is amazing. Don't forget good looking. And I basically want to sleep with all of the words that make up the Cullen family.

Anyways, I've just finished the book. Meyer's writing, at times, is a bit annoying. Too many descriptions. Too many repetitions (if I see the word "anxious" or "chagrin" one more time I'm banning them from use). Too many sentences about how Edward makes Bella swoon... Oh, and speaking of Bella- she seems like the worst character on the face of this planet. I am not amused by her weakness and stupidity and horniness.

That being said, Twilight is like fucking crack and I'm going to buy the other books as soon as I get paid.

PS: What's with Stephanie being a drama queen and not publishing the Midnight Sun book or whatever it was called?

PPS: I was making fun of Miley yesterday and today I find out I have to wear a Hannah Montana shirt at work for all of September.

Oh Miley Cyrus, STFU.

2008-08-29T14:50:00.005-04:00

At the work the other day I said, "Oh Miley Cyrus, you're so ridiculous." I have even more reason to say it now! Maybe I'm a little slow, but I've discovered this quote, as said by Miley Cyrus: "I have big boobs and curves." Where, Miley? Where are these curves you speak of? Can you possibly be speaking of the curve in your back? Oh Miley.

Then that quote led me to an interview she did with Seventeen magazine. Even more lolz, I am happy to report. When asked what she and ex-boyfriend Nick Jonas used to argue about she said, "Like, he would get in late, or I would get in late, and I'd be really cranky. Or I'd want to get breakfast, but he would have to do a radio show. And it was like, When am I going to get some time with my boyfriend?"

LOL. That's all I'm going to say about that. I'm sorry but I laugh in the face of teenage romances. I basically roll on the floor at the feet of famous teenage romances. It must be SO hard to be dating a boy that every other 13 year old girl is in love with. I mean, you have all those fans and all that money.... Just to be serious for a moment, as kids and as people who travel all over the world, did they really think their relationship would work?

"I feel like our relationship was a little too cliche for me. It's Brad and Angelina, Miley and Nick Jonas."
It is definitely not that serious, Miley. I really could care less about you and your teenybopper boyfriend. Is that what you thought? That we were all rubbing our noses in your business? Maybe the tabloids were but I wasn't. The last thing I want to see is some MySpace pic of you and him snogging. (Although, perhaps the fact that I'm blogging about it says otherwise... *contradictory!*)

And major lol at the fact that they broke up before they went on stage together. LMAO. I think that is so freaking hilarious. Does that make me a bad person?

And on a side note, what the hell is up with all the Disney whores having YouTube pages? They annoy me. :D

Maybe You Guys Can Help Me...

2008-08-18T21:41:00.005-04:00

I was going to blog about 13 the musical (do not get me started!) but that'll have to wait. There are more important issues at hand: the mess in Georgia, the storm that's attacking my friends in FL, the economy... but even more important is my search for a video camera. Yes. A video camera.

I've always been pretty cautious. I had to look three times before I crossed the street as a kid. So, naturally, I've been researching cameras to death, every day. If I studied like that in college I would've gotten better grades. Let's keep in mind that I make $8.25/hour, get payed every 2 weeks and work an average of 12 hours a week. I also usually end up giving have my check to my mom, leaving me with very little to live off of for two weeks.

That being said, I want a good camera, preferably small, inexpensive, and with a USB input b/c I don't feel like trying to figure out firewire stuff. And plus, the damn firewire port is in the back of my computer and I don't feel like pulling the desk out just to plug the cam in. If you can make any suggestions, or tell me the pros and cons of your cam, I'd pay you in virtual hugs and gratitude.

The first camera that I'm really into is the Flip Mino. It's a really nice size- a bit bigger than my mp3 player with a depth a little bigger than an iPhone. It's a thing I can just stick in my bag and pull it out whenever I want. The video quality is amazingly good, considering how cheap and small the camera actually is. (Check out this video filmed with the Mino. Even in low light this beast is awesome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hh20Kmw8EXg And check out the other video tests done by this user, or anyone else) Besides the amazing quality and size, it's got a built-in USB, hence the "Flip". Also, the buttons are touch-sensitive. Like my mp3 player lol I like that.

The only thing that makes me very wary about the Mino is that you can only record 60 minutes. If I'm ever on vacation or somewhere where I don't have a computer, I don't want to be stuck with only 60 minutes. You can't use memory cards with the Mino. Also, it only has a 2X digital zoom. God forbid I need to zoom in further. I tested the zoom at the store with my sister standing at the end of the aisle. I didn't like it. But it's a good price ($149-179), qood quality and small. I really want to hate the camera but I just CAN'T.

My next choice is the JVC Everio 330. It's high-def and comes in pretty colors. And, even though it wouldn't fit in my purse, it's a nice size as well. It's got an LCD screen of course that can flip 360 degrees. That's nice because I'm likely to be filming myself. The zoom is amazing. It's got too many amazing features to name. With 30GB of internal memory you can record up to 37.5 hours (if you set the quality to ultra fine, you only get 7.5 which seems dumb). These cameras run at about $450.

So basically, it's between the Everio and the Mino. The Everio has more features, that I like but it would probably take 6 months to save for this camera. The Mino is small, high quality and I could probably buy it within 2 months. Which one do I pick? Or do I not pick at all? HELP.

What do you mean, No Godspell?!

2008-08-15T23:47:00.003-04:00

So, I've never gotten into Godspell. My music teacher had us watch the movie one day but I'm ashamed to admit I had no idea what was going on and didn't really pay attention by the time it reached the credits. (Or maybe we didn't even reach the credits- I think school ended....) But, WTF. Godspell was supposed to open but it's CANCELLED.

Someone showed me this article: http://www.nypost.com/seven/08142008/entertainment/theater/there_is_no_godspell_124382.htm

"The recession is here," a veteran producer said yesterday. "The good times are over."

THAT'S HEAVY STUFF.

It's a little sad. I know Josh Henry left In the Heights to do Godspell. I don't know what he's doing now. I don't even know how all of that works. I mean, he can't get back into ITH, can he? I believe they already have a replacement. I don't know how these things work. But I really feel bad for everyone involved with Godspell. It took me forever to just get a job at the mall so I KNOW, as actors, they're really struggling. I read somewhere that only 1% of actors (Equity actors maybe? I forget) are hired in professional jobs. Something like that. Don't quote me because clearly I cannot remember the details.

And, I mean, the whole damn world is in financial turmoil. The rich people, the poor people... I hate it. Damn.

Broadway can't even save me now.

I Just Wanna Build My Credit

2008-08-12T00:28:00.003-04:00

I figured I'd start building some credit. I took the advice of my economic teacher, well, sort of. Get a credit card, buy some shoes and pay it off. Except, he told the class to fill out the slightly annoying letters card companies send you in the mail. Well, I was barely 18 when they started sending me those and I didn't have a job, so I just threw them out. Now, I figure it's time to build some credit. My sister is my age and just got a card. I thought, hey, I'll do the same. Did some research online, found a good card, filled out some info on the website, GOT DENIED.

Mothereffer. That's showing up on my credit report, is it not? I don't know. I don't really understand credit. My sister already had a department store credit card so I'll assume that's why she got the green light and I totes didn't. Well, it's not fair. I don't want a fucking Macy's/JCPenney card. I don't like those stores. Well, I like the clothes at Macy's... but that stuff's expensive. I don't need to put that on a damn credit card.

I had a good plan and everything. I was going to save money. Buy something on credit and then pay it off as soon as the bill came in. I wasn't going to be irresponsible. I know what I'm doing. GIVE ME CREDIT CARD PLEASE.

For now, I pay with cash.

Street Lights, ftw.

2008-08-10T23:30:00.003-04:00

A lot has been happening but I'm not sure they all need to be adressed. I'll just say, "This world..." and bow my head.

But I do want to mention STREET LIGHTS. To steal something from their MySpace page (including that pic, sorry.) "THE STORY is about inner-city high school kids trying to make sense of the rough world they've grown up in. Some of them want to get out. Some of them want to be heroes on the block. Some of them want to chase fame. And some of them refuse to accept the world as it is, and they're tired of being told that nothing will ever change. They want to change it."

I got a friend request from them a long time ago. And at first I was like, "Okay, wtf is this?" And then I went to the page, listened to the music and I was amazed. I want to go ahead and say that I was one of their first friends and the 20th person to leave them a comment. I'm just saying- I support. The music is incredible. I've never been good with genres but there's hip hop and songs that could be played on the radio. I can't even do justice through words, you just have to go to the STREET LIGHTS MYSPACE and listen to the songs, all right?

On August 17 Street Lights is doing a benefit concert in NYC to benefit Barack Obama's campaign, which is exciting. Get info on that, here.

There's a storm so I have to go before my comp shuts off. Peace. And Music.

Some People Have All the Luck

2008-08-01T23:52:00.002-04:00

You know what? I was watching an interview with Bailey Hanks, Broadway's new Elle Woods, and Legally Blonde is the FIRST BROADWAY SHOW SHE'S EVER SEEN. She didn't even see it before she auditioned, I don't think.

Excuse me?

What real person actually has luck like that?

AGH.

I can't even get a JOB. Let alone seen a Broadway show and land a role in it a couple months later. Seriously? God, what is this? Where is my luck? Did I use it all up at birth? I think that's it. I used up all my luck in the first 2 years of my life. Well, thank you, because now I have to live a life that I am not happy with in the least. (Okay, just kidding, I'm happy, but I could be happier. Couldn't we all, though?)

I just don't understand.

I want to be one of those people who randomly get the greatest things in the world. You know, those people who get discovered in a bar or on the street or just on accident. Of course, God also gypped me on the talent. Thanks a lot. (Please don't strike me down, it's a joke.)

That's another thing I don't understand. If I got no talent (English at it's finest, people) what the hell am I supposed to do with my life? I want to be something you know.

Sometimes, I think it would be a hell lot easier if the world just blew up. Everyone would have to die. I'm not really into the whole thing where I'm the only one who dies. Everyone has to go down with me, because my life sucks.

Stuck in the Past

2008-07-31T12:35:00.002-04:00

At what point do you cross the line into "stalking"?

I'm just wondering, because all last night I was thinking about the infamous Freshmen Love. AH. Yes. I went there. It was horrible. No matter how much I convince myself that I don't like him, that I never liked him, and that it would never work between us, I always end up having those random moments where I just think about him. WHY? I've spent years trash talking relationships and there's one that I can't even get away from.

So, anyways, I'm talking about stalking because the kid probably thinks that is exactly what I am doing. I've sent him a couple of messages on MySpace that I don't think he replied to. I lost his number so I sent him mine.... But then I found it again and I kind of want to text him. But you know, I really think he won't reply. We used to be tight. We stayed up and chatted til 3 AM once. Now, I really think he's trying to leave me in the dust. He has a girlfriend too and from what I hear, she's kind of a bitch. The last thing I need is to get my ass kicked by some girl.

And that's another thing too. I don't want to be like a homewrecker. I always feel bad for those girls. It'd be pretty selfish of me to try and steal him back. But I'm not going to lie. If he ever wanted to leave/cheat on his gf, I'd be completely up for it. I'm such a bad person! I am selfish... it's horrible.

Why can't I just let go of the mothereffing past? What is WRONG with me? Somebody help me.

Joss Whedon, This Time I Applaud You.

2008-07-29T00:33:00.003-04:00

So, I've never been a real fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the similar works of Joss Whedon. I'd catch an episode or two of his shows but, never quite caught on with me. However, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is the most amazing thing in my life right now. Everyone on the theatre message boards had been talking about it but, the episodes had yet to debut so I forgot. My sister identifies as a Toy Soldier for Dr. Steel, who claimed that Dr. Horrible was a cheap ripoff of him. But that's another story entirely. The point is, Dr. Steel's rants reminded us to watch Dr. Horrible and we did!

Basically, it's the greatest thing in the world. I believe I said that already. Neil Patrick Harris stars as Dr. Horrible/Billy, a guy who dreams of being an evil villian. His nemesis is Captain Hammer and they both just happen to like the same girl. Ay de mi, what are they to do? It's a musical and the songs are really catchy and great, for lack of better words. I'd go into more detail but the songs don't even have names yet.... But, the first episode starts with "Laundry Day" which is a cute little song that'll suck you in really fast. The theme music entertains me too. I'm just in love with the whole show... if you can't tell.

I told my mom about it, and usually she spaces out when I talk about theatre. She could care less. But I'm smart, I know how to suck her in too. I mentioned the amazingly talented NPH and she definitely wants to watch the show and listen to the music and whatnot. Which, speaking of, the episodes were only up for three days but now you can watch it on MySpace here.

The CD is apparently coming out in about two weeks. It'll definitely be on iTunes. I'm not sure if a CD is included in that "two weeks". Probably not. I wish. I hope. I'm an old fashioned kinda chick. Or as old fashion as CDs get. I like to be able to hold my music. Besides, I don't have iTunes. I'm so behind the times.

So, my point is GO CHECK OUT DR. HORRIBLE. You'll love it!

PS- The Jonas Brothers concert was this past Saturday. I did not corrupt Sideburns. Which is probably for the better. I'd have a whole community of J-Bro fans hating on me. Not to mention I'd probably finalize my ticket to hell.

Randy Pausch Changed the World

2008-07-26T21:33:00.005-04:00

For the past few days I've been trying to write a blog and I couldn't really decide on a topic. Each time I tried to write I came back to the same theme: what am I grateful for? Life is too short to be unhappy and moan about what I don't have. (But, I'd like to think I don't do that very often).

And then I clicked on the Yahoo homepage only to see that Randy Pausch had died (July 25, 2008). How could that be? I was shocked but then, I knew what I was going to write about.

Randy Pausch had terminal pancreatic cancer. He was a teacher at Carnegie Mellon and on September 18, 2007 he gave his "Last Lecture" to his students entitled, "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams". I believe that the first time I heard of him, was when he was on Oprah. He recited a portion of his speech that left the audience and I in complete tears. His humor and positivity and his overall personality is just amazing. I'm not sure, but I think if I knew I was going to die I wouldn't handle it like he did. His speech includes silly things like, "If I don't seem as depressed or morose as I should be, sorry to disappoint you." The whole "last lecture" series was meant to be hypothetical: if you were going to die, what would you want to leave the world with? Well, the series' name was changed to 'Journeys" just before Pausch's lecture. In response to this he said, "I thought, damn, I finally nailed the venue and they renamed it."

I kind of thought that since Pausch had reached such a great amount of fame and basically inspired the world, God or who ever is upstairs, would somehow let him live longer. That's a bit childish, but I can dream. And, I do believe he lived well past his doctors' predictions.

As you may have guessed from the title, Pausch's lecture was about achieving your childhood dreams. He talks about wanting to be an astronaut, but only to feel zero gravity. Well, he did get to experience zero gravity eventually! And he wanted to be a Disney Imagineer. He applied to the program, got rejected but he didn't give up! And he got to do that too! He actually did a lot of things on his goal list. And it's not just about achieving your goals- even when you don't achieve what you want, the things you learned on the way there are just as valuable.

He really inspires me. My dad has no faith whatsoever in anything I want to do. And even I have doubted myself several times. But you know, I can't just give up and let other people run my life. I need to live for myself. I need to achieve my goals. The ones that are as simple as going to New York City for the first time and the ones that are as big as writing a play and seeing actors perform it. I could die tomorrow! Well, I accept that but I want to die knowing that I did all that I could do. And if I could impact one person or change their life, I'd be happy with that too.

So, to Randy Pausch, thank you! And my condolences to your beautiful family. But your death is not in vain and you'll live on in this world for a long time. You've left a positive mark.

Now, you readers, if for some reason you've been living under a rock and haven't seen this yet, I present Randy Pausch's Last Lecture.

Projects that Excite Me

2008-07-23T23:55:00.005-04:00

I'm a bummer. So let's write about a few things.

Skylar Astin and Phoebe Strole (formerly of Spring Awakening) filmed the movie Hamlet 2. Maybe you've seen trailers around the way? The movie looks hysterical and awesome and amazing. It's about a drama teacher who decides to write a sequel to Hamlet, even though everyone dies at the end. There's a time machine and Jesus- which leads to the catchy song, "Rock Me Sexy Jesus". It's a good song. You can download it on iTunes and get it as your ringtone. I've done neither since I don't have itunes nor can I get ringtones on my phone. But you should. I would if I could, for now I'm just singing it. I'm really excited for this movie. I'm not a movie person because I rarely have enough money to even get a ticket but I think I'd sell my body to see this movie. It's worth it.

They both also teamed up to perform in a concert presentation of Kerrigan and Lowdermilk's musical, Tales from the Bad Years. YouTube "Anonymous Sex" and "Thanksgiving Plan". They both are amazing in it. Andrew Keenan-Bolger has also just alerted his loyal readers about a demo for the musical Factory Girls that Phoebe is part of. This girl is gonna BLOW UP you guys.

[Title of Show] officially opened on Broadway a week or so ago. This show intrigues me. It was always huge off-Broadway and I was one of those people who liked it for no reason. You know what I mean? Like, I heard about 1 or 2 songs and kind of knew what it was about but I really had no reason to like it but I liked it! No doubt it's an amazing thing. So, I'm probably never getting to NYC because I've been saying I was going to go for a year but I'm still home. But, when I do get there, I want to see [Title of Show].

Also, I've had an on-and-off relationship with Legally Blonde the Musical: The Search for Elle Woods. I stopped watching whole episodes, if I even watched at all. But I did watch the last 15 minutes of the last episode and Bailey Hanks won. I'm glad for her. She does seem like a great Elle and I like her. I also think Lauren would have been fantastic as well. At the end, when Bailey found out she won, she has to sing "So Much Better". In the show, the sorority girls come out and sing as well. Naturally, all the sorority girls who sang with Bailey were all the girls who got booted off the show. Um, I started crying. Is that stupid? I'm ridiculous. When I was a kid I never understood people who cried at TV and then I started doing it. I do it almost EVERY DAY. I was just really moved lol I made fun of every one of those girls on that show but in the end, I can totally relate to them wanting to reach their dreams. Maybe one day I'll pop by Legally Blonde and see Bailey perform. Or I'll just wait for some kind of bootleg. Sorry, Broadway.

What else is there to be excited about? Let's see... Oh, I hear Remy Zaken's going to be on Gossip Girl, which I love. You may notice I've written several entries about that damn show. It sucked me in and now I'm addicted, like crack.

Also, Run's House is another one of my favorite shows. The son, Jojo, and his friends have this rap group thing. All I know is I am completely mesmerized by his friend Zach. Damn. He's cute. I'm going to be for real: I tend to fall for the white boys. So, for me to think this kid is cute? It's something new. Of course, the kid is pretty light skinned....

Life Imitates Art

2008-07-21T19:38:00.003-04:00

Oh, Oscar Wilde, why do you have to be right?

My life is imitating... well, "art". I suppose you could call it art. A sad attempt at art....

I've been writing a play. Honestly, it's slightly based on my life (because I write what I know) but things are tweaked a little. I always exaggerate my real life problems. So, anyways. In the play, basically the plot is a girl is struggling to support herself and her mum.... why is that actually happening all of a sudden? That's not cool! I'm this close to becoming a stripper named Candy. (Or perhaps you can suggest a better name?)

My mum came home and she's basically out of her mind. No denying her mental problems. She's running out of medicine... the claws are going to come out again, soon. Scary. Anyways, I don't think she can work. She doesn't think she can work... who knows. If she does quit or get fired or whatever, idk what we're going to do. Build a Bear sure isn't going to pay the rent. I'll start looking for another job, I guess... My dad has pretty much abandoned me. I mean, I called him and he got mad because I wouldn't leave the house. (It would break my mother's heart to leave, she said so. No use causing more damage.) He hung up on me. Bastard. I'm so angry.

God. At the court today, one of the lawyers basically was like, Go to college and get a good job. Don't be a stereotype. But maybe that's all I'm going to be. A stereotype. I might as well throw my dreams out right now. No use having them sit around....

Save the Drama for Your Mama

2008-07-19T23:32:00.002-04:00

Let's talk about how my life is like an episode of Cops.

It is SO embarrassing to be outside at 6AM, talking to some cops, in your pajamas in the middle of the driveway of an apartment complex. And, yes, people were actually awake at that hour. Two ladies actually jogged by. I wanted to hide.

Why was I in my pajamas talking to cops outside at 6 AM?

Long story. Basically, my mother has been in a bad mood all week and we (meaning my sister and I) were getting sick of it. We'd been arguing the night before and my mother threatened to kick us out the house (again). She also spent the night talking on the phone, and trashing us to her mother. It was lovely. Naturally we got pissed, and I admit it got a little out of hand and she has every right to say we were, "disrespectful". However, she started it.

Anyways, I haven't really explain why the cops were there. At 5:45 I was woken by a blow to the leg. She slapped the crap out of my leg- there are three long scratches down my leg that were actually bleeding a little. The previous night she started saying she was getting rid of our cat. (I suppose this was supposed to be "punishment" although she said it was because she was "allergic".) So, she hits me, I jump up like a fucking burglar is in the house. She scared the shit out of me. And she starts yelling for the cat carrier. She thought we hid it from her but it's only in the closet. She runs to get it and my sister runs to get our cat. Cat and sister jump into her bed and my mum starts to yell for the cat to be given to her. My sister refuses so my mum starts to smack my sister with the bag. This shit is like semi-hard plastic and zippers and everything so I imagine it can't be too comfortable to be hit with. My sister fights back in retaliation and I think my mum ditched the cat carrier just starts hitting her. I try to pull my mum off of my sister, to no avail because I'm pretty useless in fights. My mum then runs into the kitchen, returns with a god damn KNIFE. We were really scared then because we knew my mum definitely had the power to stab the hell out of both of us, and no doubt she would definitely do it.

At that point I was going to call the police. I reach for my cell phone. Not there. I reach for my sister's phone. Not there. I look on the floor, they're not there. I pretty much started panicking then. My mum actually hid our phones from us. And we don't have a house phone so there's trouble right there. All I could do was scream and hope a neighbor would call the cops. Me and my sister were like crying by then.

Well, my mom left the room (stabbed no one, for the record) and called the cops on her own phone. I do believe she told the cops to come or someone was going to die. She was going to kill us. Then she sobbed a little. Which at that point I actually felt bad. My mum has a history of mental illness.

I don't know what happened after that. I mean, the cops questioned me and I really had NO idea of what had happened. I remember wondering why I couldn't hear sirens. My mom went outside and then a little while later there was a knock on the door. Some cops talked to us. They took my mum to the hospital because apparently my sister actually banged her up a bit. One cop was actually really nice to us and he was talking to us about college (which made me cry because well... that's another story). The other cop was questioning me and we were both laughing b/c seriously, everything happened so fast that I don't know WHAT happened... Ugh.

We both went back to sleep after that. Then, as I was dreaming about Lin-Manuel Miranda putting me on his top friends (he sent me a playbill the day before, by the way), there was another knock on the door. The cops again. They said my mum ran away from them at the hospital so as soon as they found her, they were going to arrest her. She's actually in jail now. I feel really bad. I know my sister probably doesn't. She was attacked too. What I hate is that my mom told the cops and her mother that WE jumped her. Now our grandmother probably hates us (we hate her too, so at least it's mutual). The cops know that vice versa is the truth, thank God.

I don't know what happens now. My sister and mother go to court tomorrow for "breech of peace". My sister and I basically have no way of communication except for the computer. We still can't find our phones. My dad doesn't even know what happened yet. I emailed him though. I've been walking to work for the past two days. It's about 2 miles from my house, which you wouldn't think was bad but I'm so out of shape that I'm in pain and walking like a bowlegged freak.

I'm too embarrassed to mention this at work. They're going to wonder why I don't return their calls or text. But I don't know... I can't say. My manager asked me if my mom was home from her vacation yet and I like froze. Should I say something, or shouldn't I? He thought he was wrong because of my pause: "She... did go on vacation, right?" Ha. Yes, she did. I just said she was home. Even though she was totally in jail. I'm to embarrassed to even say I walk to work so I think this is going to the graves too.

Build-a-Bear Cheaters

2008-07-17T22:11:00.002-04:00

I work at Build a Bear Workshop. I've put off saying where I work for several reasons. Number one being I am completely terrified of the higher-ups. I'm pretty sure we can get in trouble for blogging about work. I read something about it the handbook that no one gets to read. But I'm going to do it anyways and hope my blog doesn't come up on Maxine's Google search.

So, apparently children are really into these things called Webkinz. You buy a damn tiny stuffed animal and it comes with a code that you put into the Webkinz website to play with the virtual version of your toy. Of course Build a Bear had to get in on that action too. Just a little while ago, (December 08 maybe?) BABW opened BuildaBearville.com. You get to register your teddy bears, make a virtual avatar and play games, chat and crap. All BABW employees are supposed to know how the website works and the managers even have to play on it for a required amount of time. We play on it during store hours so it's fun! (My only complaint is the filtered chat... XD You can't type ANYTHING. Once there was a scavenger hunt for peanuts and I tried to ask the kids where they were and I couldn't even type "peanut". Some little snotty brat told me to look harder. I wanted to virtually slap her.)

Anyways. Here's what you have to know about Build a Bearville: When you register our newer stuffed animals, you get extra "Bear Bills" to spend on virtual crap. There are also codes that come with various things in our store so you can have special things online. There's a beach towel, a "bunny hop", Hannah Montana Purse... So these eventually become "rare" items. Well, as BABW employees we have access to so much things. Our managers go overboard sometime. I come into work and they're trying to trade a 12 year old online for some rare item. One of them had every single new animal there was, everything you could buy in the virtual store and who knows what else. BABW found her account and completely wiped it out. They deleted all of her things, her animals, her house (oh yes, you get to have a BABW house)...

I think that is SO hilarious. Is it really that serious? It's just an online game. An employee "cheating" at an online game is probably the least of their worries. I could tell some stories.... Oh, Build a Bear Workshop, you amuse me.

Do You Like Me? Y/N/M

2008-07-17T00:51:00.003-04:00

I really wish I had something interesting to blog about, but I really don't. I might drench this post in random pictures for the hell of it.

Every so often I have a brilliant idea that I don't follow through with. In 4th grade, it was building some sort of bike/trailer combonation that I could store all of my stuff in and run away with. In 5th grade it was auditioning for Circus Smirkus.

Now it's switching colleges and majors. If I go to Conn College, I can quite possibly major in English with a minor in theatre. I think that sounds like a brilliant idea and I'll be saying I'm going to do that for the next 10 years. Or I'll actually try to do it, and won't be able to A) afford college, B) get into the theatre program or I will C) flunk out.

I know. I'm such a downer. I'd like to blame my father instead of blaming myself.

Speaking of my father, my parents are crazy and I'll just leave it at that. Actually, know I won't. My mother is busy leaving nasty voicemails for her family members and they are retaliating. All of a sudden we are all in middle school, checking the "No" on the "Do you like me?" note. Damn.

Rap is Cool

2008-07-14T23:08:00.003-04:00

So, I like rap. I don't agree with some of the lyrics today though. I mean, really, do we always have to rap about sex? XD That's my hardcore feminist talking. My dad makes me listen to old rap. I have to say Will Smith's Big Willy Style = classic.

I'm really glad In the Heights incorporates hip hop and rap because it gets to show people that it's not all bad. Anyways. Back to my main point. I got some videos for you. This kid is REALLY cool and cute and adorable and he's actually a decent rapper. I can't rap to save my life, let alone freestyle. I don't know his name, we'll just call him BroadwayKidd. But I would love to meet him one day. Is that creepy? lol

Here's him singing along to In the Heights:

And here's him freestylin:

Passing Strange

2008-07-13T10:21:00.002-04:00

All right, so I've always been mildly into Passing Strange. I mean, one day I spent a long time clicking through everything on their website. And I heard one song, didn't really like it. But then I heard some more and of course, started to like it. Anyways, before I start rambling, I'm just saying, NO IT CAN'T CLOSE.

Did you know Stew wrote "Gary, Come Home" for Spongebob. Um, SPONGEBOB GUYS. Spongebob used to be the shit. That's cool. Is it bad that I'm so amused over Spongebob? I'm very excited by this news.

Anyways. I'm sad that the show is closing. At least it won a Tony. And Spike Lee is filming it so I guess I'll check it out then.

Anyone seen this? Thoughts? Like it? Yes?

Also, I feel like I'm totally dropping the ball here. I don't believe in the whole "support black people because you're black" thing but man, I fucking should've went to see this show. Not just because the cast is Black but because the cast is black and they're rocking out. We have a connection! lol A black rock musical, when is that ever going to happen again? Probably never. And I missed it all. Motherfucker, can you believe it? I'm always missing the good stuff. DAMN IT. [/end rant]

Victor/Valerie. How I learn the hard way.

2008-07-09T16:41:00.004-04:00

So I was internet-less for a while, so i posted my cell number on myspace. You'd think that was a bad idea, considering I have over 300 friends and I don't know all of them. But, I've done it before and haven't had problems. Most people are friend-whores and wouldn't read my bulletins anyways. Before I did it I deleted a bunch of weirdos off my list but still, I didn't catch them all.

There's one guy, Victor, who I added the day before my net got cut off. I already knew he was stupid when he sent me a message. I read it, and 2 seconds later I got another message saying, "Why didn't you reply to my comment that I left you?" So, unfortunately, I forgot to delete him too and he read my bulletin and text me while I was at work. I'll recap, shall I?

July 3rd
Victor: Whats up
Me: Who's this?
Victor: Victor and who is this
Victor: who is this
Fucking retard.
Me: Valerie. Did you get my number off of myspace? I told ppl not to txt me if I didn't know you. hey, it's worked before.
Victor: I have you on my profile
Victor: i have you on my profile
Fucking sent it twice after I didn't answer him.
Victor: Hey?

July 5
He sent me a chain txt. Dumb.

July 7
Victor: Wats up
Me: Please stop txting me, I don't know you
Victor: U have on myspace
All right. What the FUCK? He can't speak english?
Me: So? That doesn't mean I know you sorry gtfo
Victor: wat gtfo
Victor: Wats gtfo mean
Me: Google it. STOP WASTING MY TEXTS
I only get 250 a month :D This is when I should've just ignored him.
Victor: I was guna ask u if u want to be my gf and do you have a picture fone
Victor: I was guna ask u if u want to be my gf and do you have a picture fone
This motherfucker texts me again when I don't answer him. Now I know he's a stupid asshole who's probably 13 years old and has nothing better to do. I decide to humor him. But somewhere at the end of my message I get annoyed.
Me: send me a pic of ur face n I'll get back to you. And how old r u? fucking 12?
Victor: No I am not 12. (Totes did not send a pic.)
Me: Well I'm a lesbian and you're annoying. I don't know you and we don't live in the same state so why would I wanna date you?!
Victor: I am in love with you and I don't mind if ur lesbian
Me: Okay, now I know you're joking. Leave me the fuck alone please
Victor: ur bi
Victor: I want u to be my gf

And that was the last I saw of that bastard. I should harrass him back but he might be a minor. That fucking asshole though. I'm starting to hike up security XD My phone can't block numbers... Sucks. But I think I'm going to stop adding just anyone to my myspace page.

Would it be mean of me to post his number here? It's not like anyone reads it anyway... ugh. I'm SO tempted.

Who am I Not to Be?

2008-07-02T19:01:00.002-04:00

My life is actually getting pretty interesting. I mean, in the last 3 years I've experienced more than I ever thought I would. And it's all changed me for the better. For real, I'm going to stop focusing on the negative and look at the positive. And, as much as I want to corrupt Sideburns, I can blog about more interesting things. (But if I do corrupt Sideburns, you'll definitely hear about it :D)

I've been talking to a girl online for about a year now. Last night she sent me this quote, maybe you've heard it before?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" - Marianne Williamson

WOW. I read that at like 3 AM. I was close to tears. And the fact that my friend cared enough to send that to me? I mean, I know I always pick philosophies and ideas to follow but I never actually do. This is going on that list. And for at least this month I'm going to believe this quote.

And, I'm going to work really hard. I might get a second job. I might look for a community college to go to. (Incidentally, what do I do if the community college near me doesn't have the major I want? I want English or Creative Writing, yet neither my old college nor the CC near me has either.) Anyways. Hopefully I'll be more positive and more exciting, y/n?

I'm in your Disney, Corrupting Your Bands

2008-07-01T17:10:00.002-04:00

So, The Jonas Brothers have purity rings. I probably mentioned that before. Lolz. I think that's adorable buuuuut, they're freaking rock stars plagued by horny teenaged girls. How long could that possibly last?

I'm a little old to be into the J-Bros (Yes. I just called them the J-Bros.) but they are everywhere I look. I can't ignore them. I work at a kids' store- we play their music A LOT. They're not ugly. Except for the oldest one. His hair is curly and he has massive sideburns... that's why I'll call him Sideburns. But he's also 19 and legal and I guess I'm moving out of my a-sexual phase because I really would like to corrupt him. VERY MUCH. Just to do it, you know? I would feel really bad about it... but only afterwards. I've always been into the whole groupie thing haha. Too much information? Too bad.

I wanna fuck a rockstar.

Even if he is on Disney Channel.

And I wouldn't write to a magazine or anything. It'd be my little secret. Well, me and a few other people's little secret. You think I'm not gonna brag about it? Only to people who think I'm not a slut. I'm not. I used to be a-sexual, remember? I haven't even made out with anyone yet. So now my hormones are like raging after all that down time.

They're doing a show near here. I know security is going to be crazy but I'm gonna get to see them. And we're gonna rock all night long *sings* XD And they have said that they would date a fan. I'm not a hardcore Disney-watching-CD-buying fan but I get excited when I see them on tv.

So, I don't really have a plan but I'm gonna do it. XD

Daddy's Girl

2008-06-29T01:15:00.003-04:00

I complain too much. So today I told my dad that I need poor friends because all my friends are rich (too true) and they can do anything they want but I can't afford it and they don't UNDERSTAND it. My dad asked me what they do that I can't afford and I said, "I dunno... go to concerts and stuff..." and he said he'd pay for me to go to any concert I wanted.

Now, it's not really about going to concerts because God knows I'm content with my mp3 player and watching television. I actually prefer that over being smushed in a crowded auditorium while going deaf. But I do wonder if Broadway shows count as concerts? Probably not. Any concert I want to go to, I could get in a lot cheaper than doing the whole Broadway thing.

And, in the end, I don't want to be those people who get their parents to pay for everything. I hate those people. I want to work hard and earn my own money and get the things I want. I'm not fucking 12 years old, you know? So, in the mean time, I really am happy to be where I am at.

One Singular Sensation...

2008-06-21T02:36:00.003-04:00

Rent has what I'll call a "Goodbye Blog". A bunch of people who have been involved with Rent over the years get to post their own stories or whatever about Rent. This one was posted by Mark Richard Ford a couple days ago. (If you didn't realize it, click on "this one".) It is so amazing how a Broadway show can have such an impact on people. A lot of shows have impacted me. Rent was the first one that changed my life and really helped me come to terms with a lot of baggage. The next one was Legally Blonde, sort of. I'm a pretty good student. I was the highest ranking African-American student in my graduating class. I got straight As. Yet everyone thought I was stupid and I wasn't going to amount to anything (I'm proving them right, but that's a different story). I basically broke down whenever "Legally Blonde" came up on my mp3 shuffle. And then I threw my own parade everytime "Legally Blonde Remix" came on. Because I was going to prove them wrong, no matter what. And now In the Heights makes me proud to be who I am. After so many years of hiding my heritage and being embarrassed of my race and where I come from, I'm finally like, "Fuck You! I'm reppin my people!" I can;t believe I spent so much time trying to fit in and mourning myself when I could be me this whole time!

So, I'm not really sure where I was going with this entry. My whole blog is pretty redundant... Sorry. I guess, it just really amazes me how much a show can change a person's life.

Faking to Get By.

2008-06-17T02:02:00.002-04:00

I am so fucking FAKE. I'm always spewing off all the philosophies. Trying to convince myself and people that I only focus on the now and things will always work out and everything is fine. It's not, people. I probably should focus on tomorrow because things might not work out. Like, I might not have any fucking breakfast tomorrow. Or lunch. Or dinner. Actually, that's an exaggeration. But, you know, I'm really poor. I make slightly above minimum wage and my mom makes slightly above what I make. With bills and rent, we really do not have enough money for other things, like food. Well, our foodstamps just happen to be cancelled. They're being reinstated in about 2 weeks but you realize that's a pretty long wait. I'll use the last of my saved money to buy us some food. But, just thinking about it makes me sick. We're so broke that we can't afford food? I can't even buy my father a Father's Day present.

I said, "Well, what should I get him? I only have $40." And my mom sat up said, "Don't buy him anything. I only have a little bit of extra money and we need food."

As much as I hate having the Gov't pick up my food tab, I'm very grateful. This is the first time I've realized that we actually can't afford food. And it makes me want to cry. God. Now I see why people sell drugs and prostitute themselves. Maybe I'm a drama queen but I am so willing to do the same just to get by.

And the winner is...

2008-06-16T01:14:00.002-04:00

To quote Sloth: "HEY YOU GUYS!"

The Tonys were tonight. So, The Lion King performed first. I have always loved the Lion King so I was really excited to see their performance. Still completely mind-blowing. Whoopi was an excellent host. I laughed at her little racial jokes, just saying. As a black person, I have to crack up. You laughed too. She was a great host and I'm glad they picked her. Some hosts are... boring and suck. A lot. Not her.

All I was focused on tonight was In the Heights. I screamed when they won the two in the First Awards. And then I screamed some more when Lin won best original score. He deserved it! I was on the verge of tears, especially after he wipped out the Puerto Rican flag. Oh my God. I love him so much. Lol at him believing in Chris Jackson. Oh Chris, the world spins because of you. When Lin didn't win Best Lead Actor, I was miffed, but I understood. I still yelled at the television though. It's my duty.

Then Daniel Radcliffe came on. I screamed because he is a doll. And I like Harry Potter. I hate Richard Griffiths. Especially since he yelled at a fan at stagedoor outside of Equus in London. I was scarred for life. If that happened to me, I'd pee myself. He is quite a large man, is he not?

Rent performed- I had been waiting for that all night. I was so excited when the current cast started La Vie Boheme. And then Anthony walked on and it reminded me of like a ride at Disney World or a documentary lol! And then the original cast came out and started talking about Jonathan Larson and singing Seasons of Love and I started to cry. Rent is a show that has touched me and changed me for the better. I was miffed that they didn't get a Standing O. Except, I'm told that Lin stood up so mad props to him. That's why he's my favorite. Also, did Whoopi say "Antony" instead of Anthony? Maybe that's just me.

So, besides Patti LuPone, (who I'm in a Love/Hate relationship with), In the Heights winning Best Musical was the best thing of the night. I do wish they had a little more time to give a speech and everything, you know? But I almost cried again. Especially when they lifted Lin into the air. God. Everyone I know is just like, "ITH won, ITH won! They WON!" It is a very joyous time. I'm still going to be celebrating tomorrow. I wish I had an ITH shirt so I could show my pride. I'll come up with something.

Heat Wave!

2008-06-11T02:58:00.002-04:00

Oh lord. It is ridiculously hot. So I just keep playing In the Heights. You don't understand. I don't have any A/C and I just bought a fan yesterday. Heat waves... blah. I'm walking around in a bikini top. And by walking, I mean hobbling. Even though I'm just being drama queeny about it. I'm pretty sure I've got some form of shin splints going on. And just thinking about it makes me cringe. I have a low tolerance for imagining pain. Ha! You know what I mean?

I could, quite possibly be falling for a kid. I've actually known him for almost a year. (I can't believe a year went by so fast! This time last year I was staying at my cousin's cramped house, trying to get an apartment and a school to go to.) Anyways. He's younger than me. But he is hysterical and adorable. He likes In the Heights! I can imagine myself being with him I guess. We all know I'm socially defunked so it truly is a treasure when I find someone I'm comfortable around. But whatever. I'm not even going to pursue anything.

We Are Powerless

2008-06-03T23:08:00.004-04:00

I've still got in the Heights on repeat. And every time I go through the cd I think a little bit more about my life. Not to whine or anything, I'm happy with what I have. But I used to think I had so much more. I lived in the rich town with all the rich white people. I used to think I was the shit. I wasn't a spoiled brat- it's not like I got everything but money was never an issue to me. I mean, I never bought brand names- I didn't even dress well. But I never thought I was *poor*. My friends used to say, "Oh, my family's poor! We can't even afford to turn the A/C on!" But she's got a car now and she's in college and I'm pretty sure she gets to keep all of the hefty paycheck that she gets each week.

Me? Well, my mom has a house that no one is buying and she can't afford to keep paying the mortgage. It's just sitting there, bare. We're living in an apartment and are just scraping by. We actually got evicted out of our old apartment just after Christmas because we couldn't afford the rent. My sister and I are both in college but we're probably not going next year because we can't afford it. On a good day, I'll make $180 in two weeks but lately it's been less than $90. That's only $180 in a month. Most of it has to go to bills. I have over a $100 stashed in my closet- I'm planning on going to New York City but I always have to take money out and I can never afford to put anymore back in. It's slowly diminishing and I know I'll never see NYC. My sister doesn't have a job yet so... it's just me and my mom. I'm thinking about getting two jobs but I might need three.

And sometimes, I feel bad. I really want to be selfish- and sometimes I am. I want to keep my whole paycheck, just like I know some kids get to do. I want to save it and go to New York City and buy new clothes and new shoes, maybe fix my hair, go out, have fun. But I can't. I really can't and I'm so jealous of everyone who can.

But, I am very grateful for what I have. There are people who are worse off than me. I guess this is just a shock. Like I said, I thought I had it all. And now I worry at night that one day we're going to wake up and there's going to be no more money in the bank. Or that we won't be able to make this month's rent. Or that I'm going to have to sell my violin for cash. I think it worries my mom too. She was in the hospital a little while ago because she said she was going to kill herself. I wonder if it's because of this.

So Much Better Than Before!

2008-06-03T01:01:00.004-04:00

So I watched MTV's The Search for Elle Woods tonight. First, let me just say I wanted to slap Haylie Duff in the face. I'm not even sure why- she's just annoying. And she looks weird. Sorry. And her voice is annoying. MTV is always picking annoying people (ie- The Hills girls) to host the Legally Blonde things. Just because the show is about a blonde, doesn't mean there needs to be blonde bimbos hosting. But, for the record, Haylie isn't a bimbo. She just pisses me off.

I was a bit upset that they didn't show the actual casting call. Of course, MTV clearly doesn't think this show is going to do well. I believe there are only 8 episodes, which come on at 10 pm on a Monday night. RIDICULOUS. I basically had a heart attack when they showed SETH RUDETSKY. And then I had to quote "The Battery's Down" when Bernie Telsey was one of the judges. And, also, I really love the gay guy from Legally Blonde. Which one? The one was a judge. And, in the show, during Bend and Snap he says "works everytime!" Yup. Pretty much that line is classic.

Well, the girls! What can I say about them? I didn't know half of their names and they were cocky as shit- although, you kind of need to be cocky I guess. Let's just make a list of the people I remember:

Rhiannon- I like her name. She's just so-so for me though.
Cassie S. - She's a geek lmao She looks like she could be kind of psycho. And there are two Cassies so I just called her "Mimi Pants". She had on these teal leggings or whatever they were. For some reason I wrote down that she had good abs (I took notes haha!) but I may be thinking of someone else. She was a pretty good singer though.
Bailey - Legwarmers. Enough said. Oh, and she was cute too. I don't remember how she sang though.
Lauren - She's only 18 so I was rooting for her. But her face is kind of... weird? She's very pretty but I think there's something with her forehead. Or her hair. I was too distracted to listen to her sing.
Emma - She's sort of old looking. And she definitely did not work wonders with "So Much Better". I feel like I should be witty: um... she was "So Much Blander?" I tried.
Celina - She can sing, no doubt. But she looks like she's really tall and she's got a rockstar thing going on rather than Pink and Fuzzy Elle Woods thing. I'd like to see her some more though. (On stage, possibly in my bed...)

There are four other girls left but I don't even remember seeing their audition so I can't really judge them- although, it was more like criticizing their looks, am I right?

I agree with the judges on the girls who got cut. Mary (was that her name?) was too weak. Chloe was cute but she said the word "better" really weird and she kind of failed. Rachel was really dead when she performed. And for Libby, I just wrote "dumb". I'm not really sure what I meant by that. But I think this is the girl who said she was a natural blonde.

Anyways, I look forward to more Elle Woods drama.

No me diga!

2008-06-01T16:45:00.003-04:00

Oh. My. God.

I just got the In the Heights OBCR. I haven't even seen the show yet but it's already blown me away. I've watched basically every television performance they've done. I've listened to the songs of their MySpace for hours on end. I screamed when I heard the Tony nominations. I am in love with this show.

But back to the cd. It is so amazing. I got it last night and I was trying to listen to it but I fell asleep after "In the Heights". The first song, haha! I was so tired. So, I've been dancing to the cd all day. It is FABULOUS. If you don't have it, go get it! It is so incredible. And I find myself relating to so much of the story, it's ridiculous. I had to hold back some tears. I'm a big girl. Ha!

The cast performed on The View on Thursday. They were the SHIT. Whoopi and Sherri kept saying how incredible the show was and how cute Lin-Manuel Miranda was. I kept yelling at the TV in agreement. God, I love In the Heights. It's not like I've followed the show from Off-Broadway but I'm really proud of the show. I remember being excited even before I knew what the hell the show was though. Ha! Lin had his little YouTube videos up... the anticipation was killing me. I kept telling people, "The Heights is starting previews tonight." I was such a dork.

It truly is something new and inspiring. It's always amazing to see real stories on Broadway, do you know what I mean? Stories that people put their sweat and blood into. And stories that mean a lot to people. So, you go In the Heights! And bring home lots of Tonys- you deserve it!

Stupid Me

2008-05-30T23:39:00.002-04:00

I met a cute guy the other day. I ended up giving him my sister's cell phone number because the paper he handed to me had her name on it. But then he asked if I had a cell and I just said something stupid like, "Yeah, but I never really answer it or have it with me... mumble, mumble..." ARG. I am so STUPID.

And then we chatted for a good while. 15-20 minutes? He's in a band. And truly the hottest guy I have ever met. I added his band on MySpace and his own page too. I left him a comment. And waited. He's been online twice today but he hasn't said anything back. I feel really stupid. I mean, he probably doesn't even like me. He's 20, almost 21 and I'm 18, with no car, an hour away from his house.... Ugh.

Cue the sad music: I just thought that for once I could be normal and have friends, possibly a boyfriend? And actually not be a-sexual towards him? It'd be nice to have all of that for even 5 minutes. Ugh. Socially defunked.

80's Babies

2008-05-28T23:43:00.002-04:00

Anyone born in the 80s rocks. Remember Nickelodeon used to be the shit? It WAS. Salute Your Shorts, Rocko's Modern Life, Doug- TV was at it's peak. Nickelodeon is so weak now. Disney Channel is beating it. But, if you have some time to kill, chillax and watch these INSANELY AWESOME Nick shows intros. And then go find some DVDs for me to buy.

That Narnia chick is getting beat with a stick

2008-05-23T01:34:00.003-04:00

So, at Oxford, in England, they're doing the Spring Awakening play. Anna Popplewell from the Narnia movies is in it playing Wendla. They posted a trailer today.

IT IS SO CAMPY IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

Or maybe it's just me? Maybe I am so uncultured that it is not campy and is actually a work of art? I don't know. I laughed. A lot.

Finding Alaska

2008-05-21T05:41:00.002-04:00

It was incredible to close "Looking for Alaska" and see sunlight creeping in through the teeny space between the living room blinds. It is 5:42 AM. A bit over a half hour ago, I finished the book. I stayed up all night to do so.

I was wrong.

Although, in an attempt to save face, not entirely wrong. I was sure we were counting down to the point where two characters hook up and fall madly in love, no matter how short a period that love may last. I was partially right. But that part sort of happened before the countdown ended? Does that make sense? We were actually counting down to something entirely non-expected.

I'm not sure I want to ruin it for you. But I am happy to say I solved part of the mystery before the characters did. I am not a complete idiot, apparently.

The book brought me back to my early teens. Where I was so invincible and nothing could be wrong in the world. Even if it actually was wrong. And staying up until the crack of dawn only solidifies that feeling. God. What happened to those days? Now, all I want to do is get in bed with my best friends and talk about this book. And endless nothings. It truly is amazing to feel like this again. And I can't even explain to you what "this" is. "This" is wonderful, and joyous, like when you're opening Christmas gifts, maybe. I suddenly feel in the moment. There is nothing ahead of me and nothing behind me. Just this... "this" that is around me, consuming me and swallowing me and wrapping me in a wonderful, warm embrace. Perhaps the "this" will get me through 24 hours of no sleep. Or perhaps I should go to bed now....

Looking for Alaska

2008-05-20T20:30:00.004-04:00

Confession: I am a nerdfighter. And it is not really a confession because confessions are things you're slightly ashamed/embarrased/otherwise of, right? Well, I AM A NERDFIGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!! That was just a statement- not a confession. Some may ask, what is a nerdfighter? Urbandictionary.com defines "nerdfighter" as:

"Nerds who fight, usually against popular people. This term originated from the videoblog Brotherhood 2.0. John Green, one of the two participants in the videoblog, noticed a game called Nerd Fighters at an airport. Eventually, the viewers of the videoblog began being dubbed nerdfighters."

Of course, I don't necessarily agree with such definition but it was the only good one. We don't fight: we decrease world suck by doing things like recycling and donating money, and making the nerdfighters hand-symbol-sign-thing. We also eat peeps, listen to wizard rock and buy books by John Green. So, in nerdfighter fashion I went to the bookstore today and bought "Looking for Alaska" by John Green.

I was rather discouraged by the bookstore (Borders). I only had $35. I wanted a book (either Darkly Dreaming Dexter, the second Captain Alatriste book or Seth Rudesky's Broadway Nights And on a side note, this Borders seems to lack gay fiction that is not erotica) but you know, the times of cheap bookstores (like Walden Books) are now past us so I had to dish out $15 for a book. Which doesn't seem like much, except I wanted to buy 3 milkshakes and also, I don't get paid for another 9 days. So the choice was tough. Coldstone Creamery milkshakes are REALLY GOOD you guys. But then I remembered John Green.

Oh, what a savior John Green is. I searched for any book by him: I landed in the Young Adult section. Of course. I am really slow, I forgot he writes YA fiction. Incidentally, I always feel rather awkward looking in the YA section. I am 18 and, while I love YA books, English teachers frown upon it. And it also looks really geeky when you're reading something that is almost clearly a Teen book. But anyways, They only had one book: Looking for Alaska. I was hoping for An Abundance of Katherines but I'll take what I can get. Besides, it was only $7.99. That is my kind of price. So I bought it.

Not that I had any doubt that it was going to be good- I just wasn't sure it was the kind of book I wanted to be reading. I've always been a little lax in my reading taste so I want to up my standards and look more educated. But Looking for Alaska is rather fascinating. The excerpt in the beginning of the book (is there a name for that thing?) kind of caught my attention with this line:

"I hope you didn't bring the Asian kid along thinking he's a computer genius. Because I am not."

That was the single greatest line I have ever heard. That's when I decided that I was totes getting this book. In short, Miles (aka Pudge) goes to boarding school in search of his "Great Perhaps". Is it bad that I'm not really sure what he means by that? In my eye, a great perhaps could be... a purpose? This better not be a commonly-used phrase or I am going to be pissed and feel really stupid. And I could go into greater detail or you could just Wikipedia that shit. So, the book is split into two parts: Before and After. And each section within each part is headed with a countdown (or countup). Example, it begins with "one hundred thirty-six days before" and it counts down. What the heck is it counting down to?! It's so intriguing. Right now I am at "one hundred days before". I'm slightly nervous. What's going to happen? Is it what I think? I think it's... well, I don't want to say in case I'm wrong. I'll tell you if I'm right, when I find out.

In conclusion, go buy John Green's Looking for Alaska so we can all find out what happens!!!

Swing Life Away Until GG Comes Back

2008-05-19T23:37:00.002-04:00

Oh, kids, there are bootlegs galor rolling around Youtube. Bootlegs of Spring Awakening last night. Curtain call, Totally Fucked, Song of Purple Summer. It's all there. And you know, there are some really freaking hardcore fans out there. I'm not sure I would EVER sleep outside a theatre just for tickets. However, if they said I was getting FREE tickets, a corndog and a bag of cotton candy- maybe I'd do it. They would also have to provide a Spring Awakening blanket and slippers. Deal?

I also got my Gossip Girl fix tonight. I was so happy that that bitch Georgina got put away. GRRR. But what the FUCK was up with all the couple mixing? HELLO. And am I completely naive to have thought that Chuck was actually a changed man? Did you see that look in his eyes when his father was telling him he was "growing up". Chuck looked like motherfucking Peter Pan. He looked like he wanted to cry. COME ON CHUCK. GROW UP. But I'm the one whining over a TV show, right? Typical. Well, at least things are sort of even. Everyone is left with someone. Except for J.... too bad. She's such a doll.

What else could I rant and/or rave about? Tomorrow I am going to Coldstone for a milkshake. I think. There's also this $5 vest I want to pick up. It better fit, and it better still be there. I can't drive so I think I'll probably walk. Walking is so amazing, literally. Albeit I'm always on the edge of death while walking down the highway, it still is just so amazing to be out in the open instead of cramped in a car. And, add my mp3 player into the mix and it's something out of a movie. Is it sad that I pretend like I'm on a reality show when a really good song comes on? You would totes do it to: "Swing Life Away" is an awesome nastoligic walking song.

A new meaning to "Wizard Rock"

2008-05-17T01:09:00.003-04:00

Okay, so somebody just showed me this! I'm a Harry Potter geek who is extremely into music so, this was just heaven. Draco Malfoy (otherwise known as Tom Felton) apparently sings and plays guitar?!

I think I just peed a little. haha. And apparently you can buy his songs on iTunes. You guys, this is exciting! I mean, really. This cute little blonde boy sings! This is something I didn't see coming. Now we only have to put Daniel Radlcliffe in Wicked and my mind would be blown.

Tony Nominations, Social Woes.

2008-05-14T01:20:00.003-04:00

First, of course I have to talk about TONY NOMINATIONS!!!!!!!!! Maybe no one's feeling Disney on Bway anymore? I really thought Little Mermaid would get a teensy bit more nods then they did. In the Heights got 13 nominations. That's really exciting. They were on Good Morning America today, I was screaming at the tv- I am so excited for them. I say they win Best Musical and Lin should win Best Lead Actor. Based on critic's reactions, ITH doesn't have much competition for Best Musical. I've heard not-so-good things about Cry Baby. Xanadu seems like it's "eh" (although I'm a little surprised Cheyenne Jackson didn't get a nod?) and Passing Strange is iffy. I've heard great things about it but then I've heard not so great. And, I know I need to give it moer than once chance but I wasn't really fond of the music I heard. I'll give it one more chance though.

We'll see though, won't we? The Tony's are June 15, 8PM, CBS. Be there. There's also a pre-Tonys show on the 7th. Be there too!

In other news, my sister's new, older boyfriend only reminds me how socially awkward I am and how I'll never have a relationship- not that I want one. It's just a bit disheartening to have one more thing that makes me different from everyone else. Why do I have to be so weird? Can't I just fit in? But pretending is never good either so I'll just be odd.....

Write Me a Tale about Love, Guns and Blue Nail Polish

2008-05-13T00:21:00.003-04:00

So today I definitely watched VH1's "Sex: The Revolution". Or I think that's what it was called? I always feel horrible for putting things in quotations when I don't know if they're right. Whatever. It was called that. I'm sure.

Anyways. It about the sexual revolution, duh. It talked about all the crazies who banned sodomy and birth control and how Playboy got started and Berkely and their use of the F-word. OH MY GOD. I mean, this seemed, to me, to be the greatest time in history. Everyone was all "free love" and "fuck you" and the whole gay rights movement was slowly beginning to come together. Now, we know how I'm not a sexual person but I am an activist-type-person, so I definitely would have thrived in that atmosphere. I think. God. Could you imagine? Ginsberg and Kerouac and Hugh Heffner. Okay, not so much Heff but... Gloria Steinem! And the liberation of human sexuality... I really wish I could have witnessed all of this. It seemed like such an amazing period.

I was born in 1989. I was born just in time to "see" AZT made. Of course, I only realized this a year ago so I guess it doesn't count. "Kids, while I was being born via C-Section, AZT was being approved by the FDA." Interesting. Let's see... there's 9/11 but that's depresso. Then there's the war. I remember when that whole shit first went down. I was doing The Music Man. Or Annie. One of those two. Of course, there's also the fact that we could have a female or black president...

But what I really want is some kind of huge movement. Bring the hippies back or something. I want to give flowers to soldiers and get drunk off love. I also want to drive around (or walk, to save the environment) and do nothing. Just enjoy life. I want an amazing life story.

I'll Be Lying on Some Trash Heap. Kthanxbai.

2008-05-11T23:00:00.004-04:00

Today, at work, I think I would've broke down and cried in the back room. Except that the manager I was working with was the hot one and I am so ugly when I cry. Hell, I'm ugly when I don't cry. But that's another thing all together. But God, what I wouldn't give to cry on his shoulder or pass out in his arms..... But again, another thing all together. (I'm hoping I get sick one day though.)

A combination of things led me to the one of my many emo moments. My mother and sister ditched me on Mother's Day. I had to work so they went to church. And then, I check my phone on my break and there's a text telling me to get my aunt to pick me up from work. Yes, unfortunately I am an 18 year old without a car (and still living at home- I'm really bitter about that). So then, I call and everyone is out to dinner an hour+ away. Ugh. I was honestly really hurt- which kind of makes no sense to me but whatever. I wanted to cry. The aforementioned hot manager was going to let me leave early to go meet them (even when there were 2 hours until closing and we were the only people working- he's such a sweetheart). But they weren't anywhere near me so there was no point.

It was a really slow day so he still let me go about a half hour later. Then he asked if I had a ride and I felt really stupid saying no. I told him I'd take a cab. Of course, I only had $11, which was supposed to go to my mum for her present so there was no way I could take a cab. I went in the back to get my stuff and I legit wanted to curl up in the computer chair and cry. But that's tacky and my tear-face is hideous so I can't let Hot Guy see me like that. And really, what was I crying about? So I sucked it up, wiped my tears on my hoodie and booked it.

The walk home wasn't bad. Actually, I wasn't even concerned about it. Well, actually, I was a little scared of getting hit by a car. It's pretty much a highway I was walking down. But I survived. And it only took 30 minutes. I could do it more often. I was just really sad that I was missing the Mother's Day stuff. I hate being excluded. Especially when I was going to make dinner for Mum and everything. But oh well. I ended up making microwaving some food and eating it with my cat.

Oh, and before that, just to get all the emo out of me, I listened to Don't Do Sadness/Blue Wind from Spring Awakening and recited the monologues that go with them. I was sobbing my eyes out.

Pathetic much? Eh. That's just me.

Addicted to Gossip Girl

2008-05-05T22:54:00.003-04:00

I am not really one for girly tv shows. But, Gossip Girl has managed to suck me into their madness. I started watching because the beautiful Jesse Swenson, a swing for Broadway's Spring Awakening, was guest starring. You can not just watch one episode. I mean, that show is CRAZY. Those are a bunch of underage, backstabbing, psycho bitches right there. Secretly, I want to be part of that. God. Being all fancy and mean and getting whatever you want. Seriously? There is something strangely attractive about such a life....

Back to Jesse though. He was dating Taylor Momsen, whatever the fuck her character's name is- I don't know. I've only seen 3 episodes. Jenny? Well, she's a poor Brooklyn girl- not really sure how the fuck she's going to this private school in NY? But she is and by dating Jesse's character (Ashfor... or something) she's moving up the social ladder. Wonderful, right? Of course not. Things don't work like that. Jesse is completely gay. He was making out with this little blonde boy. Unfortunately for me, they didn't show it. I was severely disappointed. (Chris Crocker and Jeffree Star made up for it though: http://youtube.com/watch?v=3HHMnJekR-o)

So, now Taylor Momsen is completely on the fritz with her little society friends. *sigh* Don't you just feel for her? Didn't think so.

I figured I would watch a couple episodes of Gossip Girl and then throw the towel in but my Oh. My. God. Michelle Tratchenburg, who was the motherfucking shit when I was a kid, is playing this blackmailing piece of work named Georgina. Oh, she makes the show so sweet. Not only did she out the aformentioned blonde boy to his family, she's fucking black mailing his sister, Serena. She drugged her and made her miss the SATs and now she's got some weird sex tape of Serena. It is so mind blowing. And then, throw a bomb at me, at the end of tonight's episode, Serena says she killed someone. SAY WHAT?! Suddenly Georgina is slightly explained and man, I can't WAIT until next week. I'm pretty confident she killed the guy in the sex tape. But why? And what part did Georgina take in this?

I'm about to piss my pants in excitement.

Falling Out and In of Silence, Love, Life....

2008-04-28T14:33:00.001-04:00

It's been a while, not like anyone actually reads this.

Let's see... Day of Silence was on April 25. If you don't know, it's a national event during which students take a vow of silence to protest the bullying and harrasment of LGBTQ students and their allies. This year it was held in memorial of Lawrence King, the 8th grader in CA who was shot in the head because of his sexual orientation. I have to admit I was really disappointed with my participation. I hardly went through with it. The first time I did it, I put my whole heart and soul in to it. This year meant a lot to me but I guess not as much as I thought...

Also, I'm semi-falling for my assistant manager. BAD! He's so tall and sexy though... but he has a girlfriend and he's 8 years older than me and he's leaving soon so, no go. But he is quite charming. What happened to a-sexuality and the queerness and the single-forever stuff though? Motherfucker. Nothing is ever easy in my head.

What would this be without some mild-pimping that does nothing for anyone? First, check out checkcraigsblog.blogspot.com It's hysterical. Second, watch the cast of The Battery's Down do their stuff. "This is my Life" is my theme song, legit.

Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment

2008-04-10T22:07:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to think I'm cursed. Actually, I am pretty sure I am cursed. And doomed. Oh sob, oh cry.

Several things have led me to this conclusion. The most recent would be my a-sexuality. Well, my semi-A-sexuality and my horrible social skills. All of that is coming back to haunt me. There is this really cute guy who could maybe have a crush on me but my lack of social ability will completely slaughter any chance I have with him. There's been a number a guys who have been interested in me. One guy told me I was hot. That's once in a blue moon people, I need to take what I can get but instead I just smiled and kind of ignored it.

UGH. What is WRONG with me? These are good people here. Especially this recent boy. If he is actually into me, he must be the hottest boy who has ever been into me. I call for shock treatment. IMMEDIATELY.

Dream Caster

2008-04-06T02:14:00.006-04:00

So you guys know how I've been talking about getting into writing? Well, when you get right down to it: I definitely want to be a playwright. While I was watching the train wreck called Real World, one of the ex-Real Worlders said he was a playwright. Exactly. I don't even understand how you can live as a playwright. I know I wouldn't be doing it. I'd be working at damn Build a Bear while I wait for some inspiration to hit me. I think that if I did pursue anything, it'd be a good ten years before anything happened. That's usually how it works, right? It takes FOREVER. I'll be 28 by then.... Not too late.

Anyways, there's this one play. I don't want to give it away too much because A) I might jinx myself and B) it might sound familiar. That was on accident. I'm not a copy cat. I just come up with ideas that people already have.

Were I able to dream cast it, I'm pretty sure this is how it would go (it's been forever since I've looked at this play so let me remember the names...):

There's Kissy. She's definitely modeled after me. It is so hard to pick someone to play you, don't you think? She's kind of feminist, anti-male, activist....But I'd say a young Shoshana Bean or Remy Zaken. (Remy's episode of Law and Order came on again tonight and she's fucking fierce in it.) There's also this girl who I went to school with that I would definitely consider.

Then there's a flaming homosexual, Pete. I'm guessing that I subconsciously named him after Pete Wentz, my favorite bisexual emo. That role would go to Andrew Keenan-Bolger, hands fucking down. Andrew, CALL ME.

Who else... oh, there's the young, a bit ditzy, almost whore-like girl... I forgot her name. Alexy? Whatever. Hm. Annaleigh Ashford? Or maybe some random girl who used to play Young Cosette.

Then there's a small role that Bryce Ryness or Noah Weisberg would be freaking PERFECT for.

And there some more roles but I just bored myself to death. I'm going to bed. But everyone who I will never come into contact with in a million years, PLEASE CALL ME. It'll be good money in 20 years. Just don't age. You'll be my best friend. You know you need best friends.

Real Fishbowl

2008-04-04T23:43:00.003-04:00

I just watched that Real World Awards thing. Not going to lie, I love me some Real World. I think the first season I watched was the Las Vegas one. I was hooked. I almost always cry when they leave and I'm yelling at the tv or laughing my ass off... I love the freakin Real World.

But are they fucking serious?! Some of them were thanking people like they just won an Oscar. It's just reality tv kids. You aren't famous. I didn't even remember your name until they put it in the corner of the screen. And then all the times that you were drunk, showing your boobies and sleeping around came flooding back to my mind. For the rest of you, that didn't even happen so you know you aren't famous. Get a real job.

On a somber note, Frankie Abernathy, one of my favorite Real Worlders died. Where was I when this happened? She died in June and I just found out! She had cystic fibrosis. And I just Wikipedia'd this shit: she said, "Tomorrow is a privilege, so live today like tomorrow isn't happening."I definitely started CRYING.

And then they started talking about Pedro and I ALWAYS cry about him. Pedro Zamora was hIV+. He was in the San Francisco season of the Real World. I was only 4 but I learned about him several years ago. He was SO amazing in my eyes. I really started sobbing... I'm such a big baby.

But let me bash a little bit more. Real World is really the dumbest thing on Earth but it's so entertaining. I can't look away! I'm sick of them putting hookers on the show though. Put some ugly people on or something. Make me feel better. Ha.

Life's a Baby

2008-04-03T21:35:00.002-04:00

You know how on facebook and myspace you can change your status? This is what I want to put: "Bri is facepalm, facepalm, FACEPALM."

While at the DMV today, a young girl was waiting with her baby. Everyone knows a baby does not do well in the DMV. We were standing in line for nearly two hours. This girl was very young- maybe 19, 20-something. Maybe younger, I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure she said something about getting pregnant young. This girl's baby was dumping chips on the floor, screaming, kicking her shoes off... the girl then had a stranger try to put her baby's shoe back on. I felt really bad for this girl. Maybe that's just me... I don't know.

I then proceeded to feel bad for my friend. She's seventeen and about to have a baby. Not going to lie, she used to be really immature, and out of control and sometimes, a REALLY BAD friend. But I still loved her. I think she'll make a great mother. But then I saw that her and her boyfriend have only known each other for a little over 8 months. Um, oh my god you guys, the baby has been in the oven for 8 months. Are you fucking telling me she got pregnant with a guy she hardly knew? Motherfucker. Seriously?

Perhaps it isn't my place to say, and I know this is REALLY mean but I have no faith in their relationship. I never did and now this just solidifies it. I'm waiting for the jackass to dump her. And, if he does, hopefully I'll have an apartment and she can come live with me and my sister and we can be three chicks raising a baby.

It's not like I'm rooting for their relationship to fail, if it works out, great! But I want her to be happy and this motherfucker... well, he's already struck out 1.5 times. Anymore, I'll kill him, I swear.

Who Doesn't Love a Good pop-culture reference?

2008-04-03T07:49:00.002-04:00

You know, I thought I'd get back into writing.

I am realizing that that notion absolutely terrifies me. I just opened one of my old plays. I might go INSANE. I am legitimately scared to read it. I know that there is so much to change and edit and... that scares me.

A bit silly, really. Who can understand my logic? Not even me, because there is no logic.

But you know, it really is a good project. It didn't get me a scholarship, but people like it. I even had a potential collaborator at one point. It has potential, why so afraid?

Let's see... there's 22 pages of un-formatted junk. Well, not junk... it needs work though. And it is currently a musical, but I've recently had the revelation that I am NEVER going to write the music for it so I might as well turn it into a straight play. Much work lies in front of me, and let's face it, I am pretty lazy.

But who knows, maybe I'll sit down today or Saturday and type my fingers raw. Or maybe I'll just sit on my ass, we'll see.

Runaway Whore

2008-04-01T16:09:00.005-04:00

Oh sweet jesus. Last night I dreamed that I was... dating the aforementioned Freshman Love. It was... my worst nightmare. Sort of. I mean, even dream me was like "ehhh, what the FUCK is going on?" And then I freakin fell for him and it was great but so sad.

God forbid I ever let my emotion control me. I'm supposed to be the happily single person. I can't let this happen! And we all know it's going to happen, whether he's willing or not. There's a whore in my blood, I'm sure.

This is so, so, so sad. Tie me to the bed and leave me to die. Running from my emotions- oh, what is wrong.

Unless, my mind is playing an April Fool's Day joke on me? How cruel.

I also had a dream that Fred Phelps was protesting outside a production on Bare.

Life as is, life as was

2008-03-31T00:40:00.003-04:00

So, I watched Across the Universe a couple days ago. Can someone say "fierce"? That movie was INCREDIBLE. It inspired me (well, my sister) to smash some strawberries today. What great fun. Aside from that, that is what I want my freakin life to be about, you know? Fighting for what you believe in... actually doing shit. I'm just sitting waiting for my life to end. It's kind of sad.

Also, I spent the entire day watching Living with the Mek on the Travel Channel. Nothing like some hot British men and indigenous nudity to brighten up my day. But it really made me think. (Like everything makes me think.) There is no way I could survive without the internet, or my mp3 player, the mall, walmart... ha. And here these people are, in the bloody 21st century, living cut off from civilization, hunting and gathering their own food, walking around with no clothes on!

Was it for the better or worse that we all gave up nature to become industrialized? Sure, having modern technologies makes life easier. (I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to give birth without heavy drugs.) But, accompanied with such advancements comes isolation and ways far worse than these tribes encounter. We email and text people these days- we don't talk. We waste what we are given: food, electricity- our resources. And, we all know, most of us are lazy as hell.

For me, it'd be a great experience to work, live, sleep and depend on other people. To actually earn my keep- to have nothing like a computer or cell phone to distract me... I can only imagine how much calmer and wise I'd most likely become.

But, we all know I wouldn't last one minute. It's quite sad.

Where's My Love?

2008-03-18T19:34:00.001-04:00

You know what? I'm jealous. Jealous of this:

I've never had a first love. And you know, as much as I'm anti-boy and anti-love and emotion, I just want to be loved. It doesn't have to be in love- God forbid. That could completely disasterous. But sometimes I do imagine what it would be like to totally put my guard down and allow myself to fall for someone. I'm not sure I could do it.

Thinking back, and I'm always in denial about this, but when I was a freshman in high school I had this huge crush on this one kid.... He was a junior. And you know, I wasn't boy-crazy, I NEVER had crushes but I liked this kid a lot. He was hilarious, and sweet, and naive, and tall! Ha. He was so tall, and he had this big nose... my friend used to call him Gonzo. But he had this charm to him. I'd say we were best friends. We were always telling each other about cute people we liked when, I know we both liked each other. Or maybe I'm wrong...

Anyways, I moved across the country. I wanted him to come visit me for my birthday but of course my parents said no. They thought I was gonna start making some babies. They obviously didn't know what a-sexual meant (no, I wouldn't even sleep with my love). I remember we had this one conversation online, it had to be like 3AM and we were chatting away. We decided that we were going to live together and go to England. Went I went to CT we talked on the phone for a while. Actually, it was kind of akward. My cousin told him I liked him and I, naturally, denied it. I visited him at work. More awkward: nothing to say.

Now, he has a girlfriend. But, even if he didn't... I don't think I'd try to make anything happen. It'd be weird. All of this time... and besides, he's such a chick magnet. Too many of my friends have fallen for him. I wouldn't feel right.

So, you know, maybe I'll continue the quest for my first love. Or maybe I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Edit- oh shit, his myspace says he doesn't want kids. What it this? It would never work. Haha.

Musical Rejects

2008-03-10T20:56:00.000-04:00

Do you know what bugs me? Constantly? People. Dumb questions. Facebook. Gas. Life.

But more specifically it would be my absurd lack of musical talent. I mean, it must be IMPOSSIBLE to be as not talented as I am. I've played the violin for 8 years. I'm okay. I'll post a video one day. It's quite pathetic.

I LOVE to sing. For my music class Talent Show in 3rd grade I sang "Sweet Chariot". Nobody clapped. Or maybe I imagined that no one clapped. But they didn't like it very much, I can tell you that. I was devastated and from that day on I was never confident in my singing ability. Or, I was not comfortable with the fact that I had no ability.

Then I switched schools, was forced into a real chorus and thought I could sing. Although I had horrible stage fright. I couldn't even sing the Star Spangled Banner for my placement test. It would've helped if I knew the words. I thought that bit of "training" made me hot stuff so I auditioned for the school musical in middle school.

Sixth grade, Fiddler on the Roof. The directors didn't want anyone shooting themselves over not getting casted so they cast EVERYONE. Legit, we must've had at least 50 cast members. I was one of the five, illegitimate black Jewish kids that you never heard about. IT'S IN THE SCRIPT. TRUST. I was so happy to be grapevining across the stage. Again, I thought I was hot shit until someone cried my name during "Sabbath Prayer". I had no idea what they were whining about but I assumed it was about my singing so I started whispering.

It got worse from there. Besides ensemble, I got cast as a salesman for Music Man. They don't even sing- they just speak in time. Then in Annie, along with ensemble, I got a part that wasn't even IN the play. It was the intermission act. I know, you're thinking, "what the bloody fuck? Quit already!" Well my audience, my curtain closed after that. I quit.

Every so often I whine and cry about it. I shouldn't have quit! Oh cry, oh whine, oh piss. But then my dad brings me back to Earth with a nice "Why? You sucked." And I realize my place in the world. Or I pretend to realize because we all know I'm a space cadet/secret agent. But you know, today I take a stand and say MOTHERFUCKIN CHEERS to anyone who's ever sang in the mirror, at a karaoke bar, on the bed, in the shower, the car or got rejected from American Idol. Motherfuckin cheers and sing on!

Madness Takes Its Toll

2008-03-09T01:33:00.000-05:00

I deleted my last post. (Like anyone cares. If you're even reading this, leave a comment. I don't care. Just say whatever.)

HOWEVER, I deleted it for two reasons. One, it sucked. No point or artistry applied. Two, it was kind of mean. I can't talk about customers. It's like a therapist talking about his client. What a shame. And I lied, there are three reasons. Three: I'm definitely paranoid right now.

Paranoid, you say? Yes. And when given time to think, I become completely paranoid. Hence, it all peaked at work today. I was considered to be the root of a problem (what that problem was, I'm not sure. Something with the register?). Ever since I was "confronted" about it (still in total darkness), I've been paranoid. What the fuck do they think I did? Why me? What about everyone else who worked yesterday? SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME. And now I'm wondering if she somehow read this. Like she has nothing better to do then look through blogs.

I've never been particularly social. I'm usually friendless, listening to music, writing plays and reading gay fiction. There are two people I talk to at work. TWO out of... what, 8 people? I actually would only count one of them because the other does most of the talking. I'm always wondering what the other 6 people are saying about me. Probably nothing but who knows. And then, I swear, after the "confrontation" (I like quotations), one of the managers was NOT being very friendly to me. She's usually real nice. Today she was... avoiding eye contact, not talking to me, barely smiling.

If that happened to you, you'd probably not care, right? I CARE. I can't have people I see every day not liking me. I can't handle that. I already feel awkward enough. Now I have people I don't know hating me?! What did I do?! And this lady-in-question can sure be mean and hold a good grudge. I'm going to be her next victim you guys. She's going to either a) stop scheduling me or b) put me on almost every day for long hours, even on my Spring Break.

OH. MY. GOD.

If I die, you'll know who killed me. She did. Or, out of manic paranoia I will have cut my wrists with the work scissors.

I Like Boys Who Like Boys

2008-03-05T23:38:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to blame this on. My slight, sociological rebellion? My lack of exposure to different things? I have no idea but I love gay men. I have been in love (legit, in love) with gay men. And I know I'm not the only one. There's a book about it: Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys

A while ago I saw an episode of Tyra and she had these two girls who, just like me, we simply fascinated with gay men. They even sometimes wish they were gay men. OH MY GOD, ME TOO! Hear me out: I don't want to get a sex change but if I could be reborn as a gay man, I think I would do it. I know, so weird. I can't even explain it.

Now, I'm hardly a sexual person. I can't even fake anything. I'm just like, Ew, please get away from me. Don't even look at me. I blame that on attempted incest but it's just an excuse. But now that I think about it, I walked in on my dad naked once when I was somewhere between 3 and 5. I am now going to blame it on that. (Appendages?! On the OUTSIDE?!) But, by george, gay sex is like the greatest thing since sliced bread. And it doesn't even have to be sex- they can just make out. it's great. It makes me throw up in my mouth to see heterosexual hook ups but guy-guy, (sometimes girl-girl) that is my stuff right there.

Yesterday, while flipping through the channels, I discovered the best thing since gay sex since sliced bread. Are you ready for it? A heterosexual that does gay porn?! Zues and Hera- I was ready to like die and go to heaven. His name is Aaron James and he is officially the hottest guy in the world. Not because of his looks (even though he is good looking) but just for the fact that he sleeps with guys but isn't gay. He is the answer to my prayers. I love the fact that he is SO comfortable with his sexuality. Even when he's not filming, he hangs out with the guys, who are all gay. I was getting hot just seeing him hug them goodbye. Please, someone find me a straight guy (not in theatre) who is THAT comfortable with gay guys. It's incredible.

Or maybe I'm just really naive. God, I hope not. I'm always so naive about these things. But, anyways, Aaron James, PLEASE call me. I love you.

Be the Change....

2008-03-04T20:35:00.000-05:00

So, today I was brought to tears my sheer beauty. I can't explain but words are powerful, yes?

So, with that said, enjoy (or not) my brother and Chris Crocker getting their groove on:

Lesbianism and B. Scott

2008-03-03T22:48:00.000-05:00

I'm always complaining and then there are these random moments when fate is just like, in love with me. Today was definitely one of those moments- although, I don't think it's going to impact my life. It just my my day a bit better. RECAP!

I was early for class so I was hanging out in the lounge and all the couches were taken up, except there was room next to me. So, I'm cramming for a music test, rocking out to my mp3 and this girl comes in and sits next to me. She was like, really chilling so I asked her if she was sitting there before me, because I could move. We started talking and I said I was listening to Rent and, no way, she knew what I was talking about! I almost died.

We started talking about NYC, and The Color Purple, The Lion King and Hairspray. All which I have never seen. But I mean, YES. Finally, someone I can relate to. I am not the only theatre geek!

When she left I totally got a lesbian vibe. But we all know my gaydar is fucked up. I dated a gay guy, remember? It's so fucked up you guys. But I mean, what if, you guys? ;)

Speaking of gay. I swear that I MUST be related to B. Scott. I discovered him ala Chris Crocker. Yeah. I'm a bit slow. But I swear, B. Scott. Call me. I think you're my brother.

"The Battery's Down" Goes Up

2008-03-02T13:26:00.000-05:00

So, several people in my life have been RAVING about The Battery's Down. In short, it's a YouTube show about an actor trying to make it. Truth be told, I watched 2 minutes of the first episode when it first went up on youtube and then I completely spaced out. Gots to check the myspace you know, and I'm not so great at multitasking. I can't even uni-task. I wasn't bored- I was just busy. Okay?

But today I finally sat down and watched both episodes. I skipped a shower for this. And I REALLY stink. But it was totally worth it. I mean, this should be on TV. It's fantastic. I want people to break out into song on my television, okay? It'd be great. So much better than that Hugh Jackman show that I never watched. (Who am I to judge? But I think I'm right.)

The song, "This is Your Life" is the greatest thing since... since my catchphrase... or like, since the last great thing debuted? Albeit, I'm not such a hardcore Bway fan like some people but I know what they're talking about. I mean, it's FANTASTICO. All I know is that damn song is going on my mp3 player right now and I'm going to sing it all day until I learn the words.

So, without further ado, I present thee the masterpiece, The Battery's Down.
There's 2 episodes so far, each having two parts. Check out the first epi now.

Switching Teams. Again.

2008-03-02T01:28:00.000-05:00

Since age... oh, 12? I've continuously switched teams, if you catch my drift. hint hint nudge nudge.

While thoroughly maintaining an a-sexual attitude (yeah, I know, how boring. There are always exceptions.) I've declared and denounced my lesbianism a good 573489530 times. Yes, that was just a random number. It could be accurate though.

When in Florida, I'm definitely a lesbian. Well, when in Ocala anyways. The boys there don't do it for me. When in Orlando/Altamonte/any other FL city, totez a bisexual.

When in CT, I'm 99.9% straight but I can be persuaded, and when I'm persuaded we're totally going for the win. (Gooooooooal.)

But anyways, why am I talking about which way I swing?

Ellen Page. I'm slobbing all over my keyboard, good God man.

So I definitely got the most lesbian picture of her. But she's so... GOOD GOD, MAN.

I haven't seen Juno. I did see X-Men 2 though (hxc comic-book-to-movie fan, right here). And I also saw Miss Page hosting SNL tonight. I died. Especially when she did the sketch in which she described going to a Melissa Etheridge concert and blah blah and LESBIAN. Yeah, you totally had to see it. But I legit died. Then came back to type this. I'll post the video if it's ever up. But man, Miss Page, come be my lesbian lover. She's so damn hot.

And now that I think about, I was watching some good old Girlfriends today, which is totally not a gay show. But quick recap, kids at Maya's son's school were saying Lynn and Maya were lesbians because they lived together. Um, do you know that I love Lynn (aka Persia White)? She is also hot. Am I right or am I RIGHT?

Today is just my gay day.

The Road to Liberation

2008-02-27T20:50:00.000-05:00

Kate Clifford Larson is like my inspiration right now. One of my teachers wanted us to go see her speak about Harriet Tubman tonight. I was getting tired to I really didn't want to but I ended up going anyways- I think it's worth a grade. I'm glad I did because it was pretty interesting. I applaud Harriet Tubman, naturally. But just as inspirational is Larson.

She worked in a bank (I think? Sorry, I was so fascinated by her gypsy/hippie-like appearance and also this girl who was sporting a school-girl outfit... SORRY.) until she decided that she was not happy and went back to school. She ended up studying African-American studies and Women Studies. Completely fascinated by Harriet Tubman, Larson went to find some biographies about Tubman. She didn't find much. Many were written for kids; others were incredibly old. Eventually Larson started a quest to learn more about the activist. She uncovered many, many records. Larson took her information and wrote a book: Bound for the Promised Land: Harriet Tubman, Portrait of an American Hero. It was the first non-juvenile Tubman biography to be published in 60 years.

Larson strikes me as so absolutely incredible. She found something she really liked and actually made a contribution to the subject. If I could achieve 1/3 of what she has I'll be one happy camper.

A Dream Deferred... does it explode?

2008-02-25T22:39:00.000-05:00

I decided to watch A Raisin in the Sun. I'm not totally ignorant of the poem, play or original movie. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

But the story always makes me sad. To dream, and dream and dream... and have nothing but dreams. It isn't very fulfilling.

Now I wouldn't say that I was completely without... I always manage to get by. But there's always something I desperately wish I had. Of course there is. Isn't there always something we don't have? But for me it's not a new car, or a house or clothes. Nothing material. I just want to do what makes me happy. And sometimes- most of the time- I can't even get that. It's mearly a dream. I cry about it hoping that my tears will influence fate, God... someone, something. And sometimes I realize that crying about it isn't going to anything. Sometimes I stop... sometimes I don't.

But you know, I think I'm gonna start trying to reach my dreams. I mean, that's what I'm SUPPOSED to do. And if it doesn't go well- maybe I'm meant to lend my abilities else where. I can wait to see where the cards fall or I can step in and make the cards fall- it's not cheating when it's life. So, guess what, I AM going to take control, while I still can.

*Insert Squeal* I'm so excited! Let's hope this lasts to tomorrow.

We Are Wizards, don't believe meh?!

2008-02-24T23:15:00.000-05:00

I no longer have anything substantial to add to this blog so I'm just gonna type whatever's on the tip of my fingers. Hanging out on the edge today is... drum roll, please: Harry Potter.

Yes me friends, I was born for Harry Potter. In 7th grade the staircase to my loft-bedroom was plastered with picture, upon bloody picture of Harry Potter. Anything that had to do with the friggin series. Lions, snakes, pre-pubescent pictures of Daniel effin Radcliffe. Yes my readers, I was a bona fied freak obsessor. Oh do I have some tales about it. But I won't bore you with them tonight.

Instead, I'm going to pimp a new movie: We Are Wizards. The HP fandom has grown to such an absurd level that it needs to be documented. Are you aware that there is a musical genre known as "Wizard Rock"? It is true. I believe we have a band called Harry and the Potters to thank for that. Since their start, fans of this magical boy have gone on to create Wizardtronica (Ministry of Magic), and WizardCore (As I Lay Dobby). They're are probably more genres but there are also more than 300 damn wizard rock bands so I don't feel like looking through all of them. But I really like Harry and the Potters and Ministry of Magic. Just sayin.

Anyways. Back to We Are Wizards. It documents the phenomenon of Harry Potter and the many, many musicians, writers, artists, film makers and other obsessive people that have contributed to spreading the HP love.Inlcuding The Hungarian Horntails who I forgot to mention in the previous paragraph and I do not feel like scrolling up. They are two brothers that are part-time elementary students, part-time wizard rockers. It's cute. The film is going to South By Southwest this year.

Check out the trailer. You know you're curious.

Show Your True Colors

2008-02-23T10:51:00.001-05:00

Perhaps I'm stumbling upon what I want to after all. Much sooner than I thought.

Lawrence King, a 15 year old Californian student, was shot in the head at school last week for no other reason except that he was gay. His killer was his 14 year old classmate.

It shocks me that people are still so stupid. I have a couple memorials and etc. in my room to remind me that people are still killed for mundane reasons. But if I had a memorial for everyone who's ever been murdered in a hate crime, I'm sure my walls wouldn't even be visible. I don't understand why people just can't get over themselves. Maybe your neighbor or classmate or teacher or whatever is different from you. So what? Learn to deal with it. I'm not super religious but I believe the bible says "Love thy neighbor"? You don't have to be religious to do that. It's so simple yet people can't grasp that idea. This world....

Since, maybe, age 9 I've called myself a gay and equal rights activist. Truth be told, I've never really done anything activist-y. My attempt to hang posters one MLK Day went terribly wrong. I kind of gave up after that. People just don't GET IT.

But I still want to make a difference. I'm going to try to. One of the Lawrence King memorial websites wants to team up with Build-a-Bear to make bears for children dealing with harrasment at school. The group also wants to try and get some proceeds to be given to GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network). I definitely want to help.

It's time to take the tape off my mouth and take a stand.

If you're interested in joining the cause go here.

Inspire Me

2008-02-21T22:12:00.000-05:00

Today, I sadly dragged my feet into work. The hilight of my day was sliding the shelves in the back, carrying bins of bears on my hip like an old jungle women and learning to use to register. YAY.

Other than that, I pretty much watched my manager look sexy- I mean.... work. Does this count as sexual harrasment?! On a side note that's not sexual harrasment, I think there's some shit going down and no one wants to tell me. I'm starting to think I got the job from hell. SHIT.

Moving on.

You may notice I keep deleting my blogs. My writing has to really mean something- or half a something. The ex blogs were garbage. I keep trying to find a point for this blog but there is none. Or maybe my point is that there is no point. Put on some salt and suck on that.

But, while I was doing a whole lot of pointless nothing at work, I realized my dreams. XD So cliche. So stupid. But I DID. Or re-realized. I want to be... (wait for it) a PLAYWRIGHT. Yes. Of course this is a dream I will never achieve. (I'm a downer.) I will die stuffing bears and I'm going to say "You know kids, when I was a younger, I wanted to win a Tony. And you know what? I never did and now I'm a bitter old bat."

God. I'll be the best old person ever.

Of course, some one said to never say never. I think it was a mouse in... a mouse cartoon. Or was it a cat?! Who knows. But I take all my advice from Disney movies. I've got a bunch of old plays sitting under my bed. I think it's time to dust off the pen and paper and get to writing. And scribbling out. And then typing. And then abandoment. Sudden inspiration... more writing....

Wish me luck!

Take a Deep Breath.

2008-02-15T09:14:00.000-05:00

This would be my third (fourth?) blog. I still post on all of them, some more than others. Yet, I can never seem to do this right. As if there's a right way to blog....

I am forever lost and spinning. It's time I've found some direction- I think I'm aiming for the 2nd star to the right. Hell yes I just referenced Peter Pan- what a classic. Perhaps my amusement in children stories make you wary? It should- I'm as immature as you would think. I'm 18, I work at Build a Bear and I live with my mommy. I bite my nails and I wear rainbow socks. Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends is the greatest cartoon ever. I also have a plastic Spiderman ring that I think is the bomb.

Perhaps if I lived in Japan, my woman-childness would be cute. In America, it's pretty much just annoying and borderline psychological disorder.

So, 2008 is my year for change. I'm going to find a purpose in life (other than stuffing bears). Maybe I'll find something I'm good at. Maybe I'll take my first step into the world and not fall flat on my face. Oh man. Could you imagine? This is like trying to merge Reality TV whores back into the real world (the actual world, mind you, not this MTV shit that I'm strangely addicted to). Have people ever died from being reintroduced to society? Or in my case, just introduced. I'm such a recluse- it's genetics.

Well, I'm gonna take my first plunge. Take a deep breath- here I come. (Any lifeguards on duty?)